


Coming of Age (A Smells Like Teen Spirit Sequel)

by faithlethalhane, Sheblet (salem112)



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-03-25 11:50:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 25,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3809344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faithlethalhane/pseuds/faithlethalhane, https://archiveofourown.org/users/salem112/pseuds/Sheblet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>SLTS Sequel</p>
<p>Set after the clone club has started at their prospective universities; how will they handle their college lives, Kira born and all the difficulties that come along with it, from maintaining their own identities to keeping their relationships afloat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Cosima nodded her head in time to the music blaring in her ears. She chewed on her lip, inhaling and letting the bass pound in her ears. It was the only real thing that could shut her brain off for a few hours. If she just concentrated on the sounds and how they felt and what they  _did_  then the rest of the world just melted away for a while.

Alison opened the door to their dorm, frowning at the sight she was met with. Cosima’s biology papers were strewn all over her bed, her coat thrown atop the desk, shoes in random places on the floor where she’d haphazardly kicked them off.

Her frown deepened, brow furrowing as she stalked forward and ripped the headphones from Cosima’s ears.

“ _Hey_ , Jesus, what’s your deal?” Cosima asked, tugging the headphones back from Alison’s hand, stretching out on her back with a yawn.

“I do not  _appreciate_  you leaving your things everywhere,” Alison snapped, eyebrows shooting up expectantly.

“Whoa,” Cosima chuckled as she sat up, lifting her hands defensively. “Sorry man, didn’t know you were so uptight about it.”

She slipped off the bed, bending over to pick up her boots.

“Yes well I wasn’t aware of your  _habits_  up until this point,” Alison huffed, crossing her arms and sitting gingerly on the edge of her bed. With tentative swipes she started moving the papers to get more room to sit, only to have Cosima distractedly batting her hands away. “No, don’t mess ‘em up,” she mumbled, idly fitting the papers into a stack with her fingertips.

“You can’t be serious,” Alison laughed in disbelief. “There’s  _order_  to this?”

“Of course,” Cosima waved as her eyes scanned the page she was holding. She twisted her hand in a circle a few times, “I guess my mind just kinda works differently you could say.”

Playing with her ponytail, Alison tried not to look worried. “Yes, but you’re a very considerate person, Cosima. You only…get messy when you’re distracted.”

Cosima shrugged. “I’m distracted a lot.”

“Is something wrong?”

Cosima’s movements paused for a split second before she continued stacking, keeping her eyes averted from Alison. “Nah, nothing, man, I’m fine.”

“Cosima,” Alison said sternly.

She got off her bed and sat on the floor beside Cosima. Hesitantly she reached out, putting her hand on Cosima’s shoulder. “You can tell me, you know.”

Cosima shook her head the slightest bit. “Seriously it’s nothing,” and glanced quickly at her watch before going back to organizing and avoiding Alison’s stare. “Delphine was supposed to call me an hour ago and she didn’t and yeah, I dunno, worried I guess?”

Alison pressed her lips together; she understood. Sometimes when Beth was late she started thinking of worst-case scenarios.

“Worried about…her safety or…or other things?”  _Other people._

Cosima closed her eyes tightly shut, holding her breath for a long few moments before releasing it in a heavy exhale.

“I, uhh, I’m not sure.”

Alison blinked. “Oh.”

“Yeah…”

Licking her lips, Alison looked away, unsure of what exactly to say. How exactly to comfort.

But before she could, Cosima’s phone rang.

_I wanna set it off_

_I wanna set it off_

Both of them pretended not to notice how quickly Cosima leapt for it. “Hello? Hey! Yeah, hey,” her voice immediately softened.

“ _I’ll be back in a few hours_ ,” she mouthed to Alison as she stood, nodding at something Delphine said. “Yeah, yeah, no don’t worry about it I totes feel you.”

She padded carefully across the linoleum and slipped out the door in her bare feet and sleeping robe.

…

“S I’m home,” Sarah called as she walked through the door, throwing her keys in the bowl and peeking her head into the living room.

Mrs. S was passed out on the couch, baby nestled safely against her chest, sound asleep as well. Sarah smiled at them before gently walking over, slipping her bag from her shoulder and placing it against the couch. With gentle fingers she lifted Kira from Mrs. S, cradling her in her arms and swaying a little. The baby stirred, tiny fists rubbing at her eyes.

“Sorry, monkey,” Sarah whispered, pressing a kiss to Kira’s forehead. “Just wanna give poor Siobhan a rest, yeah?”

Kira just nuzzled into her, fingers grabbing a handful of Sarah’s shirt and giving a tiny noise of content. Sarah rocked as she walked toward the kitchen; she hadn’t exactly had time to eat between her classes at community college.

She opened the fridge with her free hand, using her knee to keep it open as she searched, producing an apple, cheese and some leftover ham. She chewed distractedly at it, watching the baby in her arm as she slept.

The front door clicked open again and she glanced up, to be met with a mess of floating curls.

“Hey,” she said, “You’re home late.”

Helena nodded slowly, pulling the Burger King baseball cap from her head and shaking her hair loose. “I picked up an extra shift today. I needed the money.”

Sarah groaned just thinking about having to go to  _that_  job tomorrow. She shook her head to rid herself of the thought. “Oi, lend me a hand yeah? Hold Kira while I make a sandwich?”

Helena hunched her shoulders, unconsciously leaning back. “I have not washed my hands.”

“Okay…?” Sarah said slowly. “Then…wash your hands and come hold her.”

“I…” Helena hesitated. “I will make your sandwich for you,” she diverted, giving Sarah a wide birth as she walked to the counter and pulled the food closer to her. “Where is…Beth?”

Shrugging, Sarah leaned her back against the fridge. “Dunno. Her car isn’t on the street. Probably tryin’ to get in her girlfriend’s pants.”

Helena’s brow furrowed. “She was wearing shorts today.”

Sarah snorted. “No, it means…” she shook her head. “Never mind.”

“Okay.” Helena pushed the finished sandwich her way. “I am going to take a shower now. Good night.”

She squeezed Sarah’s arm as she passed, walking silently down the hall, easily avoiding all the spots that creaked.

…

Alison turned the page in her textbook, putting her hand back under her chin for a prop. She sighed, tilting her head to the side and trying to genuinely care about the words on the page. Beth stuck her head in the door, biting her lip in a smirk at seeing Alison’s back to her. She padded forward slipping onto the bed and fitting her knees in the spaces on either side of Alison’s hips, flopping forward on top of her back. She covered Alison’s eyes before she could properly turn around, snickering at the huff Alison exhaled, Beth moving with the depression of her body.

“Don’t look,” she murmured.

“Yes thank you, dear,” Alison muttered, “That much I gathered.”

Beth grinned, dropping her chin to Alison’s shoulder. “I’ve got a surprise.”

Humming, Alison let her head roll to the side to rest against Beth’s, closing her eyes behind her girlfriend’s slightly sweating palms. “What kinda surprise?”

“Well that ruins the fun,” Beth said quietly. She turned her head and pressed a kiss to Alison’s temple. “Promise me you’ll keep ‘em closed?”

With a moment’s hesitation, Alison nodded minutely. Beth waited a couple of seconds before removing her hands, leaning forward to check before sitting up, shifting her weight a little on Alison’s lower back. She reached into her bag and pulled out her new police hat, slinging it on Alison’s head.

Alison’s eyes popped open, eyes looking up to see the visor blocking her vision. She tried to roll over, Beth lifting up enough to allow her the room to get onto her back. She grinned as Alison blindly sat up, gently tipping the hat up enough to see Alison’s eyes. “Hey,” she murmured, shifting her weight to better rest herself in Alison’s lap. “You like?”

Biting her lip, Alison nodded, one hand sliding up to hold Beth’s waist. “You graduate three years early from the academy or something?”

Beth snickered. “Nah,” she shook her head for emphasis. “Just uhh, trial runs. We gotta learn like our belt and stuff. We gotta give it back but I…kinda sorta wanted to see you in it.”

“Mmm, and what’s the verdict?” she asked, her free hand lifting up to adjust it better on her head. “Was it worth the theft?”

Beth tilted her head in faux thought, a smug smile tugging at the corners of her lips. “Maybe.”

Alison blushed. Beth’s eyes softened. “Awww,” she murmured, cupping Alison’s cheek, and trailing her fingers gently down her jaw. “It’s cute when you blush.”

With a humph, Alison pouted, brushing her thumb along Beth’s side. Beth tucked her forefinger under Alison’s chin, tilting it up and kissing her, forehead bumping the visor and knocking the hat off. Neither one even remembered it was gone as fingers slid in hair and grabbed hips and dug in nails.


	2. Chapter 2

Beth arrived from the university 30 minutes later, just in time to witness the organized chaos she so loved these days.

Sarah was holding Kira, attempting to distract the baby with a toy – but Kira was far more interested in Sarah’s hair than anything else. Meanwhile, Helena was “helping” Mrs. S make dinner (“helping” being the operative word), and it appeared to be going rather well… except for the part where the counter and a generous half of Helena’s body were covered in sugar or flour or something similar.

“Wow,” Beth breathed, coming over to Sarah and immediately reaching down to claim Kira. “Baby Time” was a hot commodity in the house. Everyone wanted to cuddle Kira, all the time. “I can’t imagine what the kitchen at Burger King looks like when she’s done with it.”

“You’d be surprised!” groaned Sarah, relinquishing Kira to Beth’s eager arms. “She’s totally fine at work – almost fuckin’ immaculate. It’s like she comes here and forgets how to bloody clean up after herself.”

Beth laughed, holding Kira to her chest so the baby’s head rested on her shoulder. “Hey, Squirt,” she whispered. “How’s my favorite niece?”

“Don’t call her that,” complained Sarah with an eye roll.

“What? My niece?” Beth feigned cluelessness. “ Sarah, I know we’re not _blood,_ but I thought you at _least_ considered me – “

“No, you dumbass. _Squirt_. Don’t call her that. We’ve already got two names for her, she’s gonna get confused.”

Beth removed her hand from Kira’s upper back to the back of her downy head. There was just something about holding a baby, about feeling this new young life as it breathed and grew, that relaxed a person. It was why Kira was such a popular accessory, and was almost never left in her crib during the day. “No _, you’ve_ got two names for her. Monkey is _your_ nickname for her. Squirt is mine. ‘Sides, give my niece a little credit – she’s smart enough not to get confused! Right, Squirt?”

Kira burbled as if in response, and Beth, apparently satisfied, moved on to the next issue at hand.

“Let’s see what’s going on over here,” she said to Kira, turning her body so the baby could see, as if Kira would suddenly acquire an interest in cooking. “What are you makin’, ladies?” she asked casually, approaching the two hard at work at the counter.

“Breakfast for dinner,” Helena rumbled. It was always a bit off-putting to hear Helena speak, like maybe her voice was something regular people weren’t supposed to hear.

“Helena did an excellent job mixing the ingredients for the pancakes,” said Siobhan calmly. Beth had to give the other woman credit; despite the speckling of flour on the side of her face, Mrs. S seemed calm, as if nothing odd had transpired at all.

“I was too rough,” said Helena, sounding a bit ashamed.

“Yes, but that’s nothing to worry about,” said Siobhan lightly. “We can clean this up, easy, don’t you think? Besides, I think this is quite a good look for me, don’t you?” She put a finger to her powder-flecked cheek for emphasis.

“I…” Helena said, sounding flustered. “I don’t –“

“It’s a joke, meathead,” Sarah interjected before Helena could say anything more.

“… Oh.”

–

“Wow,” breathed Cosima.

“I know!” said Delphine.

Cosima sat curled up on the couch in the common area, phone pressed tight to her ear, as if getting as close to it as possible would help her get closer to the woman on the line.

Their summer together had been nothing short of incredible, and Cosima still dreamt of those brightly lit days, all sepia-toned and full of carelessness.

She missed Delphine more than she could have ever imagined.

“The immunology program here, it is… incredible, you know?”

“It sounds like it,” Cosima said with a little “mm” of approval.

“But I miss you.”

Cosima closed her eyes, smiled. “I miss you too, babe.”

“I wish you could come and hear Dr. Leekie speak,” Delphine went on. “His visions for the future, they are… oh, what is the word… ground-cracking?”

Cosima couldn’t help the grin, all-teeth, as it slipped across her face. “Ground-breaking,” she corrected gently. “Man, you’re cute.”

“Don’t patronize me,” Delphine said sternly, but Cosima could picture the teasing way her eyes would glint, the little smirk she wouldn’t be able to hold back.

“What? That was a compliment!”

“Of course, of course.”

“Is that sarcasm I detect?”

“… Perhaps.”

“Wow. Sassy.” Cosima giggled, adjusting her legs, changing the positioning so her left crossed over her right instead of the other way around.

Delphine hummed a giggle.

“So, uh, anyway, this…Dr. Leekie,” Cosima went on. “He’s… pretty smart, huh?”

She couldn’t explain the drop in her stomach when this man’s name was mentioned, the way her chest tightened up when Delphine spoke of him with such admiration.

And she didn’t know why she wanted Delphine to tell her everything about him. Perhaps she was hoping Delphine would mention some flaw, something about him that turned the blonde off.

Because right now, she sounded pretty damn turned on by him.

Ok, shit. That wasn’t fair, and Cosima immediately wanted to punch herself in the face for having thought it at all. Delphine had done nothing to her, and she deserved all of Cosima’s trust. Nothing less.

“Oh, yes,” Delphine was saying. “I think you could probably call him a… a genius.”

Cosima felt pretty cold all of a sudden. “Wow,” she said, trying not to sound like she was feeling… whatever it was she was feeling. “That’s… high praise.”

“Yes, well…” Delphine said, voice trailing off suspiciously. “You sound jealous. Are you? Jealous, I mean.”

She sounded so torn, so upset to think Cosima was upset, that Cosima instantly felt like the biggest asshole to ever live. Delphine shouldn’t have to suffer just because Cosima was irrational.

“Yeah,” Cosima said, voice light, “I’m jealous we don’t have professors like that _here_. I swear I could teach better than half these jokers.”

Delphine giggled, and Cosima could tell the storm had passed, barely raining a drop. “Well, that’s probably true. You are… _very_ smart,” Delphine said, voice suddenly low.

“Smarter than that Leekie dude?”

“Mmmm, definitely.”

Cosima lowered her voice, getting up and making for the one-stall unisex bathroom in the hallway.

“Please, go on.”

–

Working at Burger King sucked, but working a shift at Burger King with Helena was somehow _worse_.

It wasn’t that Helena didn’t work; in fact, she probably worked more than the entire rest of the staff combined. It’s just that…

Well. She stared. _A lot_.

Mostly at Sarah.

“Helena,” she said for the third time since their shift started, “for the millionth bloody time; if you don’t got nothin’ you need from me, then quit fuckin’ starin’ at me.”

Helena looked away immediately, looking shame-faced; but Sarah knew that wouldn’t last. In an instant Helena would help the next customer, and when she was done she’d have nothing to preoccupy her, so she’d take to staring at Sarah.

“Hello,” said Helena as a teenage boy approached the counter. Sarah sighed as he went to Helena’s register instead of hers.

The boy placed his order, paid. Helena clumsily gave him back his change, dumping it into his open palm and losing a dime to the dirty linoleum floor.

“That’s Sarah,” she said before he could walk away, nodding at Sarah as she stood guard at the second register.

“Oh…?” he said, looking puzzled and a bit caught off guard.

“Helena,” Sarah warned. They’d been through this plenty of times, but Helena still didn’t seem to get it.

“Yes,” Helena went on eagerly. “We are very good friends. We live together.”

“Oh… cool…?”

Sarah gave him an apologetic look, and he took that as his cue to move on down the counter to where his order would be given to him.

“Helena,” said Sarah, rubbing her forehead. “We’re gonna have to have a serious discussion about self-disclosure when we get home, yeah?”

–

High school was a… strange experience, to say the least.

In high school, for example, there were boys who were nearly men. With _beards_. And they were students! Sometimes, Felix couldn’t even tell the difference between a student and a teacher.

It was frightening, his first day; especially because he still possessed the too-thin, gawky body of a pre-pubescent boy while some of the seniors walked around with the upper-bodies and towering height of 20-somethings.

But that was just at first. Now, Felix was settled in. His middle school tormentors had lost interest in him somewhere in the transition, and he was starting to consider the bearded seniors more eye-candy than threats.

“Hi, Felix,” Colin said cheerfully as Felix entered their first period, chains jangling. Alison kept telling him to start wearing more of the cute sweaters she’d bought him on their most recent Girl’s Night, but Felix was under the firmest of impressions that his image kept people from fucking with him.

“Oi oi, Colin.” Felix slipped into his seat beside the other boy, smiling a bit at him.

There were lots of boys at this high school, but Colin was the only one who could make Felix smile.

–

“All right, Helena, go sit at the kitchen table. I’ll make us a snack and we can chat. Yeah?”

Helena pulled her cap off her head, and Sarah did the same – in fact, they almost did it in unison. It was… sort of creepy.

“Mrs. S, too?” Helena asked. She didn’t know why, but she felt like she had done something wrong, that she was going to be punished. She was nervous, and she wanted Siobhan there. Siobhan always promised she wouldn’t let anything bad happen to Helena.

“Nah. Just you an’ me this time.”

Helena did not feel reassured, and so she took her place at the table, trying to be still. Sarah hated when she fidgeted.

“You’re hungry, yeah?” Sarah asked, opening the fridge. “Fuck knows I am.  Place smells like food all day but I wouldn’t eat any of it if ya paid me.”

Helena… was uncertain. Confused. She was certain Sarah was upset with her, sure that she was going to be punished, and yet Sarah was being oddly pleasant.

“Yes,” she said hesitantly, afraid that maybe she was being faked out. “I am hungry.”

How many times had Tomas offered her food? How many times had he knocked it from her starving hands?

How many?

“’Oi. You all right?” Sarah asked, turning, a couple slices of two-day-old pizza in her hand. “You’re actin’… weird. For you, I mean.”

Sarah smiled, then, light and teasing, but Helena didn’t react.

“Hey,” Sarah’s voice, gentler now, was almost soothing. She put the slices on a paper plate and left them on the counter as she passed, approaching a now shaking Helena. “Wassup? Wha’s wrong?”

Helena took a breath. “If… you are going to punish me, please, just… get it over with now.”

Sarah felt as if she’d been slapped in the face, and for a moment she could only gape, stunned silence and shaky breaths the only things to leave her mouth.

“Wha… what?” she finally managed to creak out.

“You are upset with me,” Helena clarified, eyes trained on Sarah’s shoes. “I can see it. That means I have done something wrong and deserve punishment. It is only right.”

Sarah had to take a moment, just one, to… collect herself. She swallowed a lump in her throat (how did that get there?) and reached out very slowly, very gently, to grasp Helena’s shoulder.

The other girl still flinched despite Sarah’s methodical movements, and it felt to Sarah as if the world was tilting off its axis. She felt sick.

“Helena,” she said, choosing her words carefully. “What you went through, what he… did to you… was not right. Do you understand?”

Helena remained silent.

“In this house, we do not ‘punish’ anyone,” she went on, “’least, not in the way you’re expectin’. An example of punishment here would be Fee havin’ to stay home over the weekend ‘stead of goin’ to his li’l friend’s house because he was bein’ smart. And you would never be punished for somethin’ that isn’t your fault, all right?”

She gave Helena’s shoulder a firm squeeze to punctuate the sentiment, and Helena, though still seeming uncertain, nodded slowly.

“All I wanted to say, was that you can’t tell the customers everything ‘bout your life. They’re assholes, they don’t wanna hear it. They don’t care. They just want their food, then they wanna leave. D’you get that?”

Again, a very slow nod.

“You’re gettin’ to be like a sister to me, Helena,” Sarah said before she could stop herself. “I won’t let nothin’ bad happen to you, all right?”

Helena’s eyes came up to meet Sarah’s then, wide. Fragile. “Sister?”

Sarah sighed, trying not to let herself get gruff. She was uncomfortable now. She didn’t like this mushy stuff. “Yeah, guess so.” She shrugged.

Helena reached up, put a hand to Sarah’s shoulder. Squeezed the way Sarah did.

“I will return the favor,” Helena said. “I will not let anything bad happen to you.”

Sarah smiled. “I ‘preciate it. Now, can we please eat? I’m bloody starvin’.”


	3. Chapter 3

Alison played distractedly with her ponytail as she waited for the professor to show. She shifted in the lecture hall seat, trying to shake off the fatigue washing over her. It was only when she slowed down; when she stopped cleaning or studying or listening or working. It was only when she paused that she felt the wear of her new life settling in her bones.

Her eyelids drooped, elbow propping her head up as she tried not to pass out right there. How late had she stayed up last night? She had only studied a  _little_  after Beth had left. Right?

Movement beside her was enough to rouse her, and she forced her eyes open, only to find Chad staring back at her, a wide grin on his face.

“Hey Hendrix.”

She blinked rapidly, sitting straight up and effectively putting some space between them. “Hello,” she said stiffly.

She knew that look in his eye. She  _dreaded_  that look.

“You look  _killer_  today.”

Her brows knitted together. She had basically rolled out of bed and dragged herself out of the dorm, not brushing her hair, not brushing her teeth; in fact, she was still wearing the clothes she had worn yesterday. “I’m wearing yoga pants,” she said weakly.

“Yeah,” he agreed with a nod, “But they show off your ass.”

Her mouth opened in surprise before she snapped it shut. “While I…appreciate the sentiment—“

“Come over to my place for a drink tonight.”

“ _What?_ ”

“You heard me.”

He leaned closer from his seat beside her, and she unconsciously leaned left to mirror is action away. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Aww, c’mon you’re not seeing anybody, are you?”

Her intake was sharp; she wasn’t ready for this. No. Nonononono. Her heart pounded in her chest as she considered the best way to answer. Should she tell him? Did it  _matter_?

He looked at her expectantly and she weakly shook her head. “No. No, I’m not, but that isn’t relevant to my answer. Which is still no.”

Frowning, he sat back, looking her over carefully. He opened his mouth to say something, but both of them heard the telltale jingling of Cosima’s jewelry approaching from a few rows up of the lecture hall. He glanced up and back to Alison. “Yeah, okay. But the offer still stands, Hendrix.”

He got up and walked down the row, just as Cosima got there. She took the seat he’d been in, kicking off her shoes and sitting cross-legged in the chair, her skirt hanging over her legs and almost to the ground. She popped open the Styrofoam box in her hand and flipped the desk up from the side of the armrest to set it down. She pulled a tater tot from inside and shoved it in her mouth.

“What was he doing here?” she asked casually, digging with one hand through her bag to retrieve her notebook, popping another tater tot into her mouth.

“Nothing,” Alison said tightly. “Just being polite.”

Cosima snorted. “Chad? Polite?” She waved her hand, pen balanced between her fingers. “Whatever you say.”

The lights dimmed and both of them glanced down to see the professor at the podium. Sighing, Alison adjusted her ponytail one more time, rolling her shoulders and spending the next hour vigorously taking notes and stealing glances at the back of Chad’s head, trying to ignore the guilt gnawing her stomach.

Cosima spent the whole period pretending she didn’t notice Alison’s spastic head jerking. And pretending she hadn’t heard the last half of their conversation.

…

The moment the professor even remotely sounded like he was wrapping up, Cosima closed her notebook, throwing it into her bag and closing the desk, waiting tense in her seat for the formal release. Alison frowned but said nothing when the dismissal came, and Cosima bolted up and made for the door. “See ya later,” she called over her shoulder, and Alison gave a feeble wave in return. “Yeah. See you at Mrs. S’s.”

But Cosima was already gone.

Out on campus she walked in large strides, pulling out her phone and calling Delphine. It rang and rang, and for a moment, Cosima worried she was still in class, but after double checking her watch, she knew Delphine should be free.

_“_ _Salut! Je ne peux pas te répondre pour l'instant. Laisses-moi un message après le bip sonore.“_

Cosima slipped her fingers under her glasses to rub her eye, exhaling softly and waiting for the tone. It beeped. “Hey Delphine,” she tried her best not to sound disappointed. “I, uhh, I was hoping I’d catch you before chem but uhhh, if you’re busy I totes understand. Have…have a good day, okay? I’ll talk to you later.”

She hung up before she could say more, and after shaking her head a few times to rid herself of the stinging in her eyes, she walked straight for the library.

Delphine could feel her phone buzzing in her bag, and she held it closer to her body with her elbow to try and silence it. She bit her lip as her eyes darted back to Dr. Leekie’s, taking another hesitant step into his office. “I-I must admit this is really fascinating,” she said. “It…has absolutely  _nothing_ to do with my major but it is just so…so  _interesting._  And your  _speaking_ …it’s…it’s revolutionary.”

Her heart pounded in her throat. She was  _nervous_ , obviously. She was talking to someone with power and with  _knowledge_  and that was intimidating…right?

He shrugged with a knowing smile. “If I intrigued you enough for you to seek me out independently then I must be doing  _something_  right.”

“You are,” she nodded a bit too hard, glancing around. “But I would…I would like to know more before I do anything…with it.”

 “Of course,” he said easily, gesturing for the chair by his desk. “Come in. Stay for a while. I’ll give you the crash course in neolution. Want some coffee?”

Hesitantly she placed herself on the edge of the chair, slipping her bag off her shoulder and looking up at him. “Oui. I-I would like that very much.”

…

Sarah padded up the stairs, slipping her bag off her shoulder and tossing it in the corner. Beth was sprawled across her bed on her stomach, snoring lightly. Sarah snorted; she had no idea how Alison put up with it. She walked around the bed and flopped down onto the left side, arms crossed behind her head. She stared at the ceiling for a few minutes, relishing having at least a moment to herself.

But when her phone once again buzzed in her pocket, the usual Friday alarm going off for the second time.

“Beth,” Sarah grumbled, rolling over onto her stomach.

Beth didn’t move.

“Bethhhh,” she said louder, reaching out and pressing her pointer finger to Beth’s exposed cheek. Beth groaned.

“Whatttt?” she muttered, turning her head the other way and hugging her pillow tighter to her face.

“Oi, c’mon,” Sarah protested.

Sighing, Beth turned her head back around, hesitating before opening her eyes. They lay there mirroring each other, keeping still besides their gentle breathing. “You okay?”

Sarah’s fingers played distractedly at the sheets between them. She turned her face to hide it in the pillow, exhaling harshly into it. “Yeah, yeah I’m fine I just…it’s, uhh, that…time.”

Beth frowned, stretching a little as she craned her neck to look at the clock. “Oh, shit,” she mumbled, turning her head back. “Yeah, thanks.”

Sarah shrugged nonchalantly before relaxing her body back into the mattress. “Just lookin’ out for ya.”

Nodding sleepily, Beth forced herself up with a groan, rubbing her eyes and slipping out of bed. “What should I wear?”

Sarah chuckled, rolling onto her back across the whole bed. “It’s bloody NA, Beth; pretty sure no one cares.”

“Big help you are,” Beth muttered teasingly, hopping into a pair of jeans and grabbing her six month chip from the night stand and sticking it in her pocket.

Sarah tossed a shirt at her and it landed on Beth’s head. “C’monnnn,” she dragged out, “I wanna get back before Kira wakes up.”

Beth pulled the shirt on, shooting Sarah a look. “You’re bossy when you’re tired.”

“Shu’up.” Sarah got up, shoving Beth lightly as she made for the door.

“Hey, dipshit,” Beth called, running after her and shoving her back to get down the stairs first.

“Oi!” But despite the annoyed sound, Sarah laughed, thundering down the stairs after Beth, trying to catch up.

Beth laughed as she landed at the bottom of the steps, using the rail to sling herself into the hallway. She was met with a glaring Alison and a quiet “Shhhhh.”

Sarah bumped into her back, blinking in surprise. “Oh,” she exhaled, noticing the sleeping baby in Alison’s arms. “Right. We’ll be back, Alison. Keep an eye on her, yeah?”

“Of course,” Alison whispered with a small smile, looking to Beth. “Be safe.”

“Always.” She took a step forward and gave her a small peck. “Love you.”

“I-“ Alison stuttered over the usually habitual response. “You too.”

Beth smiled and kissed her again. “Have fun,” she whispered, ducking her head down to kiss Kira’s head before catching Sarah’s wrist and pulling her to the door.

…

“Oi, get off!” Felix laughed, ducking his head to avoid Alison’s hand.

“Just let me fix your hair,” she protested, licking her fingers and once again reaching for him with her free hand, other one still holding Kira protectively to her chest.

“Ew,  _Alison_ ,” he protested, laughing and swatting her hand away. “I  _like_  it like this, ‘kay?”

She frowned. “You look like a hooligan.”

“Yeah, well, I like it,” he muttered.

Kira made a whining sound and Alison sighed. “Go and get a bottle from the kitchen, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Hey!” she called lightly. “Do  _not_  think this gets you off the hook.”

Kira gurgled up a tiny cry, and Alison rocked her gently, running her finger gently across her cheek. “Shhh, it’s okay, Uncle Felix is coming. At a snail’s pace, but still coming.”

“Oi, lay off.” He walked past her, bottle in hand.

She put her hand on her hip, glaring sternly. “Felix.”

“Whattt?”

“I’m serious. I don’t understand why you  _insist_  on looking this way.”

He shot her a look before slumping onto the couch. “It doesn’t matter.”

She followed him, gently sitting down beside him and taking the bottle to give to the still sniveling baby. His arm automatically fell to wrap around her shoulders. “ _Now_ , it doesn’t matter. But what happens when you start _acting_  how you dress, hmm?” she asked tightly.

He shook his head. “It’s not gonna happen that way, Alison. I swear it. Just an appearance, yeah?”

Before she could answer, Helena walked through the door. She waved tiredly at them and they waved back. “Hello!” Alison called brightly.

Helena gave her a small smile before glancing around the room. “Where is Sarah?”

Felix shrugged. “Dunno. Her and Beth went out again.”

“Okay.”

She took a few more steps into the room and Felix burst out in a loud laugh. “My  _God_  what are you wearing?”

She was dressed in black slacks and a long sleeve button down, her hair tied back in a loose ponytail. She glanced down at her own body before back to him. “Work clothes.”

“Oi, ya look like a bloody  _school_  teacher,” he managed to say through his laughs.

“Don’t listen to him, Helena, you clean up quite nicely.”

She smile reassuringly and Helena’s eyes widened a little; she took a few steps closer and gently sat beside Alison. “The lady at the office said I had to dress nicer.” She tugged at the button on the wrist of the sleeve. “Siobhan took me to the store and picked this out. I did not like shopping with her. I had to change a lot.”

Alison laughed gently. “She was just looking out for you. And she did a fine job, don’t you think?”

Helena nodded at the floor. “Yes. No one looked at me today. I just put all the files away and did copies for everyone.”

“That sounds lovely,” Alison said enthusiastically.

Helena shifted nervously and Alison nudged her gently with her elbow. “Do you want to finish feeding her?”

Helena’s eye darted down to Kira before up to Alison’s, wide and scared. She leaned just a little bit away.

“I-I do not want to harm her.”

Alison smiled gently, blowing her bangs out of her eyes. “I see Sarah trying to hand her to you all the time.”

“Yes, but I…I cannot…I…what if I damage her?”

“Helena,” Alison said slowly, “Sarah wouldn’t trust you with her if she didn’t think you were capable of handling it.”

“S-she is so tiny…”

The door slammed open noisily, and everybody jumped. Cosima shuffled in, an uncharacteristic frown on her face as she walked right for the kitchen.

“What’s up with her?” Felix asked in a whisper.

Alison’s chest tightened with the lie before she could even say it. “I…I don’t know.”


	4. Chapter 4

“Hey,” Alison whispered, a natural bounce in her step as she approached Cosima, providing a rocking rhythm to keep Kira happy. “You look like you could use some Baby Time.”

Cosima, apparently deciding she wasn’t hungry after all, pulled her head from inside the fridge and opened her arms, allowing Alison to deposit Kira there.

“Man,” she breathed after a few moments, “what is it about holding a baby that just makes you feel so… chill?”

“I don’t know.” Alison smiled, reaching out to rub a hand over the baby’s head.

“It’s so weird.”

“Mm.”

Alison allowed a few more moments of silence to pass, weighing her options. She knew Cosima had a tendency to get defensive whenever Alison pried into her love life, liked pretending everything was fine when it wasn’t.

And everything clearly wasn’t fine.

Finally, she decided she wouldn’t be able to keep it to herself, so she said, “Delphine didn’t answer your calls again?”

It was amazing, really, how Alison could physically see Cosima stiffen up. Seeing Cosima tense was an unsettling experience, one that made you feel like maybe you were seeing something you weren’t supposed to.

Kira made a noise like a cat, a tiny mewling sound as she slept, and Cosima exhaled. “Yeah,” she affirmed, seeming to deflate before Alison’s eyes.

“Oh,” said Alison, “well, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about. You know, with the time difference, and I’m sure she’s very busy… I’m sure she’s fine.”

Cosima’s eyes went cold. “Yeah,” she said, “I’m sure she’s fine, too.”

Alison didn’t like what that implied.

“Oi,” Felix said, poking his head into the kitchen, “we gonna watch this bloody movie or what? Helena and I’ve been waiting on the couch for like, ten minutes.”

“All right, all right,” sighed Alison. “Should we put this one to bed?” She ran her fingers through the fluff on Kira’s head that didn’t quite count as hair yet.

“I’m not done yet!” complained Cosima in a light tone, turning her body as if to shield Kira from Alison’s grasp.

“We can’t hold her all the time, she’ll get spoiled!”

Cosima laughed. “I know, I know, I’m just kidding.” She transferred the baby back into Alison’s arms and watched as she left. She took a moment by herself in the kitchen, gathering her thoughts, before heading into the living room.

“Whoa!” she laughed upon seeing Felix’s appearance. “Is it just me, or do you look more punk rock than usual?”

“I’m trying out a new hairstyle. You like?”

“I _love_ ,” Cosima said enthusiastically, making him turn his head this way and that so she could see all its harsh angles.

“He _looks_ like a _hooligan_ ,” said Alison as she delicately descended the stairs.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing!” Cosima said, high-fiving Felix.

“Don’t encourage him!”

–

The drive to NA meetings had become like second nature to Beth, and she navigated the roads without much thought.

“Hey,” she said casually to Sarah, who was busy staring out the window and trying not to fall asleep, “did Alison seem… weird to you? Just now, before we left?”

Sarah startled out of her stupor to look at Beth. “Alison always seems weird to me,” she joked, and Beth reached over to punch Sarah’s shoulder.

“Shut up, that’s my girlfriend you’re talkin’ about, asshole. No, I’m serious, she seemed…”

“Tense?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, I did notice that, actually. I mean, tense isn’t necessarily _that_ weird for Alison, right?”

Beth exhaled loudly through her mouth. “I guess. But, I don’t know. She just seemed… off.”

Sarah nodded. “I know what you mean, but I’m sure it’s nothin’. She’s probably just stressed, from school ‘n all that, yeah?”

Beth nodded as the church parking lot came into sight.

“Yeah. Guess you’re probably right.”

The NA meetings were small, usually consisting of ten or so people depending on the day, all sitting in a circle in the local church basement.

It was kinda nice, Beth thought. She didn’t like the idea of those big meetings you saw on TV for like, Alcoholics Anonymous, where the audience was large and people had to go up on stage to tell their sob stories into a microphone. No thanks.

“So, who’d like to share?” asked the guy responsible for leading the meetings. Beth felt bad – it’d been at least a couple weeks and she still couldn’t remember his name.

She was startled when Sarah raised her hand, tentative.

“Yes, go ahead.”

“Uh, my name’s… my name’s Sarah and uh, I’m an addict.”

Sarah had attended a few meetings before, but not many, and during the ones she came to with Beth (“for support, or whatever, don’t get all teary-eyed on me, dipshit”), she hardly spoke. Hardly identified herself as one of them.

Which was why it was so surprising for her to be doing so now.

“Uh, I haven’t used in a… a real long time, now. I saw what it did to my friends and… I realized I was hurting people. I stayed sober for my friends. But now I have a different reason, uh. I’ve got my kid, and I wanna do right by her. Sometimes, with work and school, I uh… it calls to me still sometimes, ya know? But then I remember my daughter, and I stay clean for her and, I dunno, I just… wanted to share.”

The group clapped politely as Sarah’s neck and ears went red. Beth reached out, squeezed her shoulder.

She knew the real reason Sarah had shared today.

_“For support, or whatever. Dipshit.”_

She wanted Beth to know she wasn’t alone.

–

“You didn’t have to do that, you know.”

Sarah stirred in the passenger seat. “Do what?”

“Talk… about, you know. I know you… uh….”

“Did it for you?”

Beth nodded awkwardly, checked her mirrors and blind spots before changing lanes.

“Psh, don’t flatter yourself, Childs,” teased Sarah.

Beth laughed. “Sorry, sorry.”

Sarah smiled. “No, but really, uh… we’re in this together. Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Beth smiled back. “Hey, you think Kira will be up when we get back?”

Sarah groaned loudly. “Is it bad that I hope she isn’t?”

Beth laughed again.

–

“Cosima, I swear to Christ, if you sniff one more time I’m gonna rip your nose right off your bloody face, got it?”

“All right, all right, whoa! Don’t freak out!” Cosima laughed. “It’s not my fault my nose is runny.”

“Well, get a tissue then, yeah?”

“Too lazy.”

Sarah groaned dramatically.

“You have been sounding awfully congested lately,” Alison offered. “Are you getting sick?”

“Nahhh,” Cosima brushed it off. “Just allergies, or like, a cold or something.”

Just then Beth came padding into the room. “Hey losers,” she greeted the room at large. Then, approaching Kira, who was laid out on a blanket on the floor and surrounded by toys, “Hey, Squirt.”

“I told ya not to call her that.”

“Why not?” offered Cosima. “I think it’s cute. Reminds me of that… that baby turtle, from Finding Nemo.”

Sarah gave her an annoyed look. “Cosima. Kira’s not a turtle.”

“Whatever, dude.” Just then, her phone rang.

“Oh, shit,” Cosima said. “I’ll be back in a bit!” And she was out the front door.

Beth made a whipping noise. Sarah snorted.

“Hey!” Cosima said the instant she was on the front porch. “I was worried about you!”

“I’m sorry,” Delphine said. “I must have fallen asleep.”

Cosima frowned. “Kind of a… weird time to fall asleep, don’t you think?”

“Well,” laughed Delphine, “when you’re in university, any time is a good time for a nap. Yes?”

“I guess that’s true,” Cosima laughed, too.

But she couldn’t help the way her stomach had begun to knot.


	5. Chapter 5

Sarah tried to ignore how Kira’s shrieks cut through her every time, but she couldn’t. Every new scream went right down her spine in chills. She rolled out of bed, running down the hall to where Kira slept and pulling her out of her crib. Rocking her as she walked to the changing station, she pretended her arms weren’t sore, pretended her head wasn’t throbbing.

A quick assessment told her the baby didn’t need changing, but the crying didn’t let up so she took her back into her arms, shushing her gently as she bounced her. “You hungry?” she murmured, holding her to her chest and walking as quietly as she could down the stairs. The wailing increased and she kissed her head a few times. “Kira, monkey, it’s okay,” she mumbled, “you’re alright.”

She prepared a bottle as best she could with one hand, cradling Kira and trying to get her to drink but Kira only turned her head and cried harder.

It panged in Sarah’s chest and she set the bottle down, lifting Kira up to let her head rest on her shoulder. “Monkey you gotta let me know what’s wrong,” she whispered, eyes stinging. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.”

She closed her eyes to try and fight the tears but she could already feel them leaking from the corners of her eyes and the impending sense of failure she felt knotting in the pit of her stomach.

A hand on her shoulder made her jump, and she sniffled to try and mask the tears.

“Siobhan, uhh, hey,” she tried over Kira’s screaming, but it almost got drowned out. Mrs. S smiled sadly, thumb brushing the stray tear off Sarah’s cheeky. “Don’t go thinkin’ that, chicken,” she said sternly.

Sarah opened her mouth, trying to discern if she had even actually said anything out loud, but Mrs S was already taking Kira from her, and Kira was already quieting, even before Mrs. S started rocking her.

“She can sense your stress, you know, love,” she said soothingly, hand cupping the back of Kira’s head as she turned and rocked. “It’s got nothin’ to do with you as a mother, Sarah, and you better know that right now.”

Sarah turned her head to wipe a few more of her tears away. “No, I…I didn’t think anything of it I just wanted some bloody sleep,” she muttered as harshly as she could.

Siobhan just brushed her off with a shrug, reaching out with her free hand to brush Sarah’s shoulder. “Then get some sleep, love, I got it from here.”

“Thanks…” Sarah said half-heartedly as she made for the stairs. She padded up a few before pausing, using the railing for support as she leaned back. “Sorry she woke ya,” she added before taking the rest of the stairs two at a time.

…

Beth awoke groggily to the sound of shuffling. She groaned and stretched, rolling onto her side to find what had woken her. Alison was hopping into her shoes less than gracefully. She stood upright, running her hands down the front of her shirt to try and smooth out the wrinkles. “Shit,” she grumbled scratchily, “Today’s your morning class isn’t it?”

Alison nodded mutely, her eyes darting to the other bed and back. Beth followed her gaze to catch sight of Cosima, face down in the pillow, mouth hanging open as she snored lightly.

“Oh,” she whispered, “right.”

She started to get up but Alison shook her head. “No, it’s okay, go back to sleep.”

“No,” Beth argued, padding over and kissing her once. “I have classes too, it’s no big.”

She felt around for her pants while Alison packed her bag, and then walked down the stairs together and out onto the campus grounds.

“You gonna come to S’s tonight?” Beth asked as they walked. “I think she might actually be cooking tonight. No take out.”

“Oh?” Alison laughed lightly. “That  _would_  be a nice change of pace.”

“Mhmmm,” Beth hummed, “That’s what I thought you’d say. Is that a yes?”

“Since you asked so nicely,” Alison sighed. “I will make an appearance, yes.”

“Cool,” Beth grinned down at the ground.

Alison slowed to a stop, and Beth followed suit. “This is my stop.”

“Okay. I’ll, uhh, see you tonight then?” Beth asked, rubbing the back of her neck, suddenly nervous.

“Yes. Of course.”

Beth stepped forward, and Alison’s heart kicked up in her throat when Beth’s gaze flicked down to her lips. People there were so many people around. She bit her lip and shied away, Beth frowning before masking it away. “Bye, love,” she mumbled, reaching out and squeezing her shoulder before spinning and hurrying away.

She’d have to run to brush this off. Maybe ten miles. Maybe more.

Probably far enough that she’d be late for dinner.

Wouldn’t really matter if Alison didn’t even show.

…

Delphine frowned as she scrolled through her missed calls. Cherie, Cherie, Cherie, Cherie, Cherie…She squeezed her eyes tightly shut, running her palm over her face and up into her hair, pushing it back and tangling her fingers loosely through it.

She should call her back.

Another exhale and she ran her fingers further back all the way to the ends of her hair as she let it fall back into place.

But when she went to hit the call button, her finger froze, hovering over the screen as a heavy sense of guilt twisted in her stomach. She wasn’t doing anything wrong; she was  _busy._  She had classes and lectures but…but she  _missed_  Cosima. At the same time, she knew she had been gone too long, and any conversation would end less than pleasantly. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to deal with that yet; with facing a disappointed Cosima.

Her screen lit up, and Cosima’s name popped up as it started ringing. It sat, buzzing in her hand, and all she could do was stare at it.  _She’s just going to yell at you. Call her later._  Grinding her teeth just a little, she gently put the phone back into her bag and stood. A hand on her back startled her, and she looked to its source to see Dr. Leekie smiling at her. “Want to come to my lecture?” he asked, already guiding her in the same direction as him.

She smile a tentative smile. “But that is one of your special ones, is it not? One you have to pay to get into?”

He waved it off with his free hand, shaking his head slightly. “Don’t worry about it. It is  _my_  lecture after all; they can’t exactly say no to who I want present, can they?”

She laughed breathily, nodding. “Ouais, I suppose they cannot. Merci pour l’invitation.”

“Pas de probleme.”

He slipped his hand off her back and somewhere in the back of her mind she considered maybe, just maybe, it had lingered there too long. And maybe, just maybe, she should’ve said something to correct it.

She was too preoccupied with the thought to realize her phone was once again ringing.

…

Alison walked in to find Cosima digging around fruitlessly through her suitcase, tossing clothes behind her into massive heaps. Sensing her distress, Alison held back her sigh of disapproval, instead walking to her desk and pulling out her laptop. She didn’t ask what was wrong. She didn’t need to. Even if the phone weren’t shattered across the room in pieces, she’d  _still_  know what was wrong.

“Where in the  _hell_  is it?” Cosima muttered under her breath, shoving the suitcase aside as menacingly as was possible for her.

Alison carefully bent down from the desk chair to retrieve the phone battery lying at her feet. “What are you looking for?” she asked casually.

Cosima ignored her, walking to the other side of the room, hands flailing in reasoning gestures as she talked quietly to herself. “I  _swear_  I put it in there…” she flung open drawers, tossing papers out of them and littering the floor with them.

“Cosima,” Alison said carefully, “someone’s going to think a tornado ran through here.”

“Ha!” Cosima exclaimed, lifting up that dreaded box.

“No.” Alison said, pointing sternly. “I cannot condone that sort of behavior, Cosima.”

“C’monnnn,” Cosima said slyly, shaking the box a little. “A little weed isn’t gonna ruin you.”

Alison frowned. “It’s not healthy, Cosima, what you’re doing.”

“It’s drugs, Alison.”

“That’s not what I  _meant_ ; don’t be smart with me. I mean it’s not healthy to avoid your problems like that.”

“It’s just once; jeez, lighten up. I know you could use some stress-relieving yourself.”

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Alison looked away.

“Yeah, okay,” Cosima allowed with an eye roll. “You’re avoiding too, idiot, just in a less fun way. You should try my way.”

Alison raised her eyebrows. “Are you inviting me to get high with you?”

Cosima shrugged casually, throwing her hand up in a vague sort of ‘why not’ gesture. “I mean I would  _kill_  to see you with the giggles, man. I’m pretty sure I’d have blackmail on you for the rest of your life.”

Alison’s brows furrowed as she considered, standing and walking to the other side of the room to pick up the body of Cosima’s phone, turning it over to see the glass of the screen cracked in a spider web pattern.

Part of her didn’t want to. But part of her was also worried about what Cosima would do high and by herself. And part of her really wanted to forget about Beth and all the doubts she was suddenly having.

“Yes. Fine. Alright. But no electronics. You have to turn off your laptop. No cameras.  _Nothing_. Is that clear?”

Cosima grinned, tongue poking out against her teeth. “yeah, totes man, swear to God.”

She flopped onto her stomach on her bed, holding down the power button on her computer until the screen went black.

“Let’s get this thing started.”

…

In the safety of her dorm, Delphine felt a suddenly overpowering wave a guilt. She rolled over, trying to ignore it, but the feeling just got stronger. It wasn’t Cosima’s fault she had messed up. She shouldn’t be punished for _Delphine’s_  mistake.

She sighed heavily, and with a grumble, she rolled onto her stomach and stretched for her bag on the ground. She felt around for her phone, catching it between two fingers and bringing it up with her. She rolled back onto her back, scrolling through the five new missed calls and immediately hitting call back.

It went straight to voicemail.

She frowned and tried again. Same thing. No ringing. Just immediately to voicemail.

Dropping the phone beside her head, she closed her eyes, shaking her head a few times. It was just coincidence. It had nothing to do with her, she tried reasoning with herself. It was around dinner time, maybe Mrs. S made her turn off her phone for dinner.

She would try calling again tomorrow afternoon.


	6. Chapter 6

“Cosima, what if we get caught?”

“We won’t. Chill.”

“But what if someone smells it?”

Cosima laughed and grabbed a pillow from behind her head, tossing it onto Alison’s face. “Christ. You’re even more paranoid when you’re high. Relax, all right? No one’ll notice and even if they do, they’re not gonna give a fuck.”

Alison hummed from her position sprawled on the floor, her body parallel with the bed. She held Cosima’s phone battery in both hands above her face, turning it over and over and studying it like it might hold the answers to all her problems.

Cosima interrupted this by passing Alison the joint, and Alison took it gratefully. She’d never admit it, but she rather liked the way weed made her feel. Which she supposed was the point, but regardless.

“Where did you even get this?” Alison asked. “I thought Helena wasn’t dealing anymore.”

“Shhh,” Cosima whispered conspiratorially. “A stoner never smokes and tells.”

Alison let out a short giggle, the phrase tickling her for some odd reason. She took a long drag from the joint, letting it dangle delicately from her fingers.

“Cosima,” she said softly as she handed back the joint, smoke leaving her mouth with the word.

“Mm?”

“I… I think I’m afraid to gay.” Alison paused, realized she’d forgotten a word. “Afraid to _be_ gay,” she corrected herself.

If Cosima was surprised by this, she didn’t show it. Instead she just hummed another little “mm” of understanding.

“I think everyone’s afraid to be gay,” Cosima said. “It’s not exactly something that’s celebrated by society, you know? Besides, you might not even be gay. You might be bi, like me.”

“That… isn’t helpful at all, Cosima.”

“Sorry.” Cosima laughed. “I’m not real good at advice.”

“Clearly.”

“Hey!” Cosima laughed again, finally turning her head to give Alison a dirty look from her supine position on the bed. That was when she noticed the battery in Alison’s hands.

“Oh,” she said. “My phone.”

“What happened to it?” Alison asked curiously, turning the battery over again.

“I got mad. Threw it at a wall.”

“Why?”

“Think Delphine’s cheating on me.” Cosima’s voice darkened immediately, and she turned her head again so she could stare blankly at the ceiling.

Alison wanted to say something, wanted to give her sympathy, but at that moment she noticed a particular whorl in the ceiling that looked like a man with a very large nose, and suddenly she was giggling uncontrollably.

“Are you laughing at me?” Cosima tried to sound offended, but instead she started to giggle too. The giggles were contagious.

“No, God no, I’m sorry, I just –“ Alison couldn’t get the rest out, as it was overtaken by more laughter.

Once their laughter died down, a thought struck Alison. “What time is it?”

Cosima glanced at the clock radio sitting atop her little bedside table. “Like, 5:00. Why?”

Alison shot immediately into a sitting position, hand over her mouth, a little “oh no” squeaking out.

Cosima followed suit, sitting up in her bed. “Dude, what?”

Alison gave her a wounded look. “I told Beth I’d come to Mrs. S’s for dinner tonight.”

Cosima started to laugh. “Shit!” she said. “You’re gonna be late.”

“Not to mention I’m _higher than a goddamn kite_!” shrieked Alison, searching frantically for her shoes.

“I’ll come with you,” said Cosima, “for like, support. Also I’m really fucking hungry.”

–

The instant her classes were finished Beth was on the move. Feet pounding, arms pumping, she ran six laps around the academy’s track without really processing anything.

Running was good for that. When she ran, her mind went on autopilot. When she ran, it was just her and the ground under her feet and the wind in her hair.

There were no girlfriends acting weird and distant, no addictions in the back of her mind, calling to her.

And oh, how it called sometimes. Especially when Alison acted… the way she’d been acting lately.

In Alison’s absence it reared its ugly head, tempting her.

In Alison’s absence, Beth could go back. It seemed so easy.

And nothing scared her more.

–

She came home to find everyone else had already arrived – including Alison, though Beth wasn’t sure if this made her happy or not. Alison and Cosima were sitting oddly close to one another on the couch, and Cosima only had to say one word before the two of them sputtered into giggles.

An instant later and they were all seated around the table, surrounding what appeared to be a downright feast – a huge roast, with plenty of chopped carrots and mashed potatoes and steaming rolls.

“Ya outdid yourself this time, S,” declared Sarah.

“Why thank you,” said Siobhan proudly. “I couldn’t have done it without my partner in crime, though.” She winked at Helena, who blushed.

Beth piled her plate high, and Sarah raised her eyebrow. “Christ,” she said, “don’t they feed you at that bloody academy?”

Beth just shoveled a forkful of potato into her mouth and grinned.

“Don’t listen to her, love,” said Mrs. S, “she’s just upset because now there’s someone besides her who can eat us out of house and home.”

“Oi!”

Siobhan ignored Sarah’s yelp of protest, turning instead to Helena, who had only put a couple of carrots and a single slice of roast on her plate. “Helena, love, you should really eat more! You helped make it, have as much as you’d like.”

That was all the prompting the blonde needed, as if she thought she needed permission to eat, and after that she was a regular vacuum, out-eating all of them.

Beth studied Cosima and Alison. Something was definitely… off with the two of them. They were close, sure, but they never acted as buddy-buddy as they were now, snickering behind palms and nudging each other.

Cosima was the first to try and calm down, breathing in through her nose and setting her face in a more serious expression – but then it took her three tries to spear a carrot with her fork (she kept missing) and they both dissolved into giggles again.

Suddenly, it hit Beth.

“Are you two _high_?” she demanded, surprised by the anger and disappointment she felt rising in her. The table went quiet at that, and Beth’s answer came in the form of both girls laughing hysterically. Cosima buried her face in Alison’s shoulder, rocking so hard with mirth she couldn’t speak.

Mrs. S gasped, sounding scandalized, but she was grinning, as was Sarah, who shouted “I can’t believe this! You got perfect little Alison high.”

“So, what?” Beth asked, apparently the only sane one in the room, “You guys just… lit up in your dorm room? You realize you could get in serious trouble for that, right?”

Cosima’s eyes got really big with feigned surprise. “Really?” she asked. “I had no idea! Thanks for the update, Officer Girl Scout!”

Alison snorted. “Officer Girl Scout!” she squeaked, covering her mouth to smother her chuckles.

Beth rolled her eyes, deciding this battle was not one that was worth fighting. “I can’t believe you got my girlfriend high,” she said to Cosima, who had apparently laughed so hard she couldn’t catch her breath, hand pressed flat against her sternum as she gasped. She grinned weakly, trying to pretend she wasn’t in extreme discomfort.

“What can I… say?” she said, shuttering breaths breaking the sentence apart. “I’m… a bad influence.”

She coughed then, a loud, harsh sound that caused Alison to jump in surprise.

“Ugh, sorry,” Cosima grunted, rubbing her collar and sniffing.

“That’s what smoking will do to you,” Beth said with an air of superiority.

“Blah, blah, I don’t care,” said Cosima with an eye-roll. “Can someone pass me the potatoes? As I’m sure you’ve all figured out, I’ve got the munchies somethin’ _fierce_.”


	7. Chapter 7

Delphine woke with her cheek pressed against her phone. She blinked a few times, sitting up and glancing around the room. Her roommate was gone, probably to breakfast. She stretched, groaning and rolling onto her stomach. She opened the home screen on her phone, her stomach dropping out at seeing no new notifications. No messages. No voicemails. No missed calls.

She felt horrid disappointment creeping in her veins as she dressed and called Cosima, phone wedged between her shoulder and cheek as she packed her backpack. Redial, tug pants on, redial, brush teeth, redial, walk for the elevators.

Nothing. Straight to voicemail every time.

She frowned.

It wasn’t like Cosima to give the cold shoulder. It wasn’t like Cosima to seek  _any_  form of revenge  _ever_. She was always a head on kind of girl. A ‘tackle her problems immediately and as quickly as possible’ kind of person.

So why had she started now?

She turned off her phone with a huff, running her fingers through her hair as she stepped outside. She sat quietly at the café on the corner, stirring her coffee listlessly but never actually lifting it up to drink. She just sat, staring off at the people walking by, wishing her mind would quiet just for a little bit. Wishing she could squash the paranoia, the sinking feeling that she had  _genuinely_  screwed something up.

But at the same time, she was still a little bit miffed.

Why would Cosima avoid her? Why would Cosima let a rift get between them when she hadn’t even done anything on purpose. Maybe. Probably.

“Alone?”

She jumped, glancing up.

“Oh. Bonjour Dr. Leekie. I did not expect to see you so far from campus.”

He shrugged, putting his hand on the back of the chair opposing her and looking at her for confirmation. She nodded and he sat. “I enjoy the sights, you know. I’m not the stuffy professor who keeps himself holed up at the university all hours of the day.”

A smirk tugged at Delphine’s lips, and she lifted her mug, swirling it a little. “I did not think you were.”

He laughed a little, leaning back in his chair. “You should come to dinner with me tonight. I can show off my wandering skills. And my knowledge of good restaurants in the area.”

Delphine looked down at her lap, unable to contain the shy smile. “What makes you think this time my answer will be different than all the other times.”

“It seems to me your resolve is waning with every new invitation.”

She ran her thumb over her phone screen, somehow hoping that would make it buzz. But when it didn’t, she felt her chest tighten.

“D’accord,” she said, biting her lip and looking back up at him. “Si vous pouvez parler français toute la nuit.”

He let out a low chuckle. “Mon Dieu, c'est beaucoup à rappeler.”

Delphine shrugged. “c’est mon offre.”

Leekie lifted his hand in a shrugging gesture of his own. “J’accepte.”

  
…

Felix stood when the bell rang, slinging his backpack onto his shoulder and heading for the door. Out in the hall, he kept his head down, watching his and other people’s feet. He knew the route. Left right left right right and he’d be at his next class. He flicked his bangs to cover his eyes a little more, hooking his thumbs in his backpack straps and picking up his pace.

 One misstep and he knocked shoulders with someone. He glanced up, only to have to look up higher to meet eyes with a rather nasty junior. “Watch where you’re going,” the boy muttered, shoving Felix a little harder in return.

“Yeah,” Felix said flatly, “Alright, my bad.”

He adjusted his shirt and kept walking, only to be caught by his collar and spun around. “Look, kid, I don’t like your attitude.”

“Oi, ge’off,” he shrugged free of the older boy’s grip, smoothing his shirt back into place.

“I dunno, man,” the kid said with a shrug. “I’ve seen you around. But never in trouble.”

Felix looked away, trying to shrug it off, but he was pulled back roughly. “You dress the part,” the kid said lowly, grip tightening on the lapels of Felix’s shirt, “but if you’re tough you gotta act it-“

“I  _said_  lay off,” Felix cut in sharply, pushing the kid back so hard he stumbled a little.

They stood there for a few moments, just staring each other down before a kind of agreement was reached. The kid rolled his shoulders and tipped his chin up. Felix just scowled and turned, blowing at his bangs and storming down the hall.

“Hi Felix!” Colin called.

When Felix looked up, Colin waved; Felix just looked back down and brushed past him with a rougher than intended shoulder bump.

…

The minute classes were over, Alison hustled back to the dorms, opening the door and haphazardly throwing her bag through the door. Cosima groaned, turning her head to the side to catch a glimpse of Alison’s figure in the door.

“What’re you doing, crazy?” she mumbled sleepily, squinting to see exactly what Alison had thrown.

“I’m trying to catch the shuttle into town,” Alison said hurriedly. “What are you still doing here?”

“Tired,” Cosima muttered, turning her head back flush into the pillow.

Alison frowned, stepping one foot into their room. “You went to bed at like…nine last night.”

“Yeah, so?” Cosima asked defensively, pulling the covers up over her dreads.

“It’s four in the afternoon.”

Cosima curled her knees up to her chest under the blanket, groaning into the pillow. “Run your own life for once, Alison,” she snapped.

Alison knew the anger wasn’t directed at her, but that didn’t really take the bite out of Cosima’s words. “I-I’ll bring you home some Thai from that place you like,” she said quickly before slamming the door.

It only made Cosima feel like an even worse human being. She was calling Delphine guilty before even giving her a chance, she’d broken her phone for no reason, and now she’d made Alison feel like shit. Her track record wasn’t as wonderful as she’d hoped.

But the offline Skype icon by Delphine’s name and the confirmation email that her phone wouldn’t get there for another two days weren’t helping her mood either.

With a sigh, she uncovered her face, rolling over and curling her body around the laptop, spooning it like it was any kind of replacement for the girl she wished would just talk to her.

…

Even after her conversation with Cosima, Alison still made it to the shuttle with plenty of time. She sat in by a window and tried to play out any kind of way she could start talking to Beth.  _Any_  way to somehow begin to explain what she was going through. And how sorry she was for the previous night.

But there were too many variables spinning around in her head. Too many paths and too many outcomes and just  _too much_.

So instead she closed her eyes tightly and hummed a tune that she couldn’t even start to place.

Her stop came up and she paid her fare and exited, walking the few extra blocks to where she was sure Beth would be.

Sure enough, she saw that cute ponytail swinging as the girl ran around the track. Fast. It was almost a sprint.

Carefully, Alison opened the gate and gently closed it behind her, walking forward, hands shoved deep in her pockets. She stood right at junction between the curve and the straightaway, gaze following Beth. She was on the far side of the track, sprinting down the straight path like her life depended on it. Her cheeks were pink, some hair matted to her forehead from where it had splayed from her ponytail. But her eyes were blank, staring straight ahead at nothing.

She rounded the corner, close enough Alison knew she could hear.

“Beth!” she called, tentatively taking her hand out of her pocket to wave. “Beth, over here!”

But Beth picked up her pace, running right by her and into the next straightaway.

Alison’s heart panged. Of all the scenarios she had played through, this wasn’t one of them. She sighed to herself, fighting the stinging in her eyes as best she could as she waited for Beth to get around to her again.

She closed her eyes, waiting until she could hear the pounding of Beth’s feet on the ground before she spoke again.

“ _Please_ , Beth, we need to talk,” she said loudly.

But the footsteps kept going, steady and sure and unwavering as they hit the track loud and without mercy. They faded and she opened her eyes to sneak a glance. Beth’s back was to her as she nearly finished the straightaway, going hard into the curve. Alison glanced to her left, only to meet the eyes of another runner prepping; he was looking at her curiously.

She blushed and looked away, back to the track and then squeezing her eyes shut. Her cheeks burned. Her eyes burned. Her fists burned where she clenched them in her pockets.

Man up, Alison.

_Taptaptaptaptap_

“Beth, I’m sorry.”

_Taptaptap tap   tap      tap        tap           tap               tap…_

She could tell Beth had stopped running, slowed to an incredulous halt, but she couldn't find the strength to open her eyes. It wasn't until she heard rustling grass in front of her (so close) that she managed to finally look. Beth was standing there, brow furrowed in  _anger_. Her fists were clenched by her sides, chest heaving with her efforts. She had almost run a mile in the…five minutes Alison had been there.

“You’re  _sorry_?” Beth laughed dryly.

Alison blinked in surprise, her shoulders hunching up a little in hesitation.

Beth stalked forward, Alison stepping backward as fast as she could until her back hit up against the supply shed. Beth stopped just in front of her, leaning forward. “What are you sorry for?”

“I-I-I…” Alison’s eyes flitted back and forth between Beth’s, searching for what the right answer was. But she was met with a cold stare, a blank and dark look of expectation.

“Hmm?” Beth asked, almost snarky as she tilted her head, listening for an answer.

“I-I’m sorry Cosima and I…got high and-“

Beth laughed again. “ _That’s_  what you think I’m pissed about?”

Alison blinked again, brow furrowing in confusion.

“Sure, yeah, it was the icing on the cake, obviously, but  _seriously_  Alison, do you think I’m  _blind_? Or were you just  _hoping_  I was?”

“I-I don’t understand,” Alison tried.

Beth stepped a little closer, reaching out and cupping Alison’s cheek. Immediately Alison’s eyes darted to where she knew someone was stretching, pulling away the moment she saw they were being watched.

Her eyes started stinging again, but when she looked to Beth, she saw the girl was already crying. “I don’t understand, Ali,” she said, wiping hard at her tears with the back of her hand. “We were happy and nothing was wrong but now it’s like you don’t even want to  _be_  with me-“

“No!” Alison rushed out, “No, I…I…Beth, I love you. You  _know_  that.”

“I  _thought_  I knew it, yeah,” Beth nearly yelled. “It’s like you’re fucking _ashamed_  of me Ali; am I not good enough for you? Not some college hot-shot with all the good grades and the greek life bullshit-“

“ _None of that matters to me_ ,” Alison cut in loudly, “ _Beth you’re special to me-_ “

“So then why in the  _hell_  do you treat me like I’m radioactive when other people are around?” Beth snapped. “It doesn’t make  _sense-“_

_“I don’t even know if I’m gay!”_  Alison shouted.

It was enough to draw more than a few eyes their way. Beth glanced around with a scowl before gently grabbing Alison’s elbow and guiding her toward the changing rooms. Alison followed quietly, trying her best to discreetly wipe her tears away with the pads of her fingers.

When the door had closed, Alison didn’t even get three feet into the room before Beth was pushing her up against the wall. Her kisses weren’t nice. They were angry and possessive and  _heavy_  with purpose. And Alison could only sink into them. She could only exhale shakily, hands grabbing at Beth’s hips, fingers bunching in the nylon of her running shorts, pulling her closer, kissing her back.

Her skin was hot and her lips followed Beth’s until she wasn’t following anymore but leading. Pressing back against Beth’s strength and pushing back not to push away but to push into push against push  _with_.

But she when she thought she had her hold, Beth pulled away. She pulled away with sad eyes and hard lips and tight jaw.

“Tell me you don’t want me.”

Her tone wasn’t spiteful like Alison had expected.

It wasn’t angry.

It was pleading.

“Tell me now so I can go.”

Alison wanted to ignore her own heavy breathing and pounding pulse and burning neck. She wanted to ignore how her fingers just ached to hold Beth’s hips again.

And her jaw trembled as she uselessly shook her head.

There were a lot of things Beth wanted to say. Wanted to  _yell_. Her gut ached for mellow. Her brain screamed for numb. She slipped her thumb into the keys pocket of her shorts, running her thumb over her NA chip.

_You don’t need it you don’t need it you don’t need it._

Beth sighed heavily, closing her eyes and running her hand once over her face, sliding her fingers through her hair before looking back to Alison.

“Then I guess we have a lot to talk about, then.”

…

Mrs. S set her tea down on the table, stretching before depositing herself in a dining room chair. She had forgotten how much energy it took to raise a baby. It would probably be _worse_  when Kira was older, granted, but all the bouncing and rocking and constant arms held up was putting more than a few knots in her muscles.

She took a trial sip of the drink, inhaling when it ended up being a little too hot.  Blowing a little, she tried again, glancing up over the rim of the mug when the front door opened. Helena walked in, closing the door softly behind her. She shrugged her jacket off her shoulders and hung it up before looking to the kitchen. She smiled timidly, lifting her hand in a still wave before dropping it back to her side.

“You’re later than usual for Tuesdays, love.” Mrs S said with a raised eyebrow.

Helena lifted her shoulder in half a shrug, looking down at her feet as she walked a little closer. “I…I stopped by the bank on the way home from the office.”

The displeased look on Siobhan’s face was evident, but she hid her downturned lips behind the mug in another sip.

Helena sat herself on the edge of the chair beside Siobhan. She sat there, legs spread apart, hands clasping the little sliver of chair that was visible between her parted thighs and shifting her weight uncomfortably back and forth on her hands. It briefly reminded Siobhan of a kneading cat.

“It is the end of the month, yes?”

Mrs. S shook her head, setting her mug down. “No, Helena I have told you a thousand times-“

Helena ignored her, pulling an envelope from her blazer pocket and extending it to the woman. “Take it. Please. I do not want to take advantage. To…to leech.”

As gently as she could, Siobhan pushed Helena’s hands back, shaking her head harder. “You’re family, dear. I’m not making you pay rent. It’s no trouble, you are a  _saint_ , chicken.”

Helena’s lips pressed together in a frustrated look, her brow furrowing. “I work two jobs, you know this, yes?”

“Yes, I do, love. It keeps you very busy.”

“I know how much everything costs. I looked it all up on Sarah’s computer. All the food you buy and all of the electricity and hot water. I…I do not wish to just…take all of that from you.”

Mrs. S sighed, reaching over and putting her hand on Helena’s knee. She didn’t flinch when Helena jerked a little; she just kept a gentle pressure on it. “Helena, do you think I’m intelligent?”

Helena frowned; that sounded like a trap. “Yes.”

“Do you think I’m aware?”

“I do not…understand.”

“Aware. Of my surroundings. And my situations. Of my own capacities and of yours?”

Helena bit her lip, chewing on it slightly. “Yes. I…I think so.”

“So do you think I would take on housing all of ya if I knew it wasn’t something I was capable of?”

“N-no, but-“

“No ‘but’s, love. We’re a  _family._ ”

“Family…” Helena repeated back slowly.

Mrs. S nodded gently. “Yes, and we look out for each other. Unconditionally, alright chicken? No money.”

Helena looked down sheepishly at the envelope clutched in her hands. “But…it is the only way I can contribute.”

“That’s not true and you know it,” Mrs. S said sternly. “You help me cook. Every night  _without fail_. You take care of Felix when he needs it. But you could be doin’ none of those things and I’d still keep you around, ya hear?”

Helena ran her finger over the flap of the envelope, timidly extending it again. “Please take it.”

Mrs. S sighed. And after a few seconds, she reached out and took the envelope between two fingers. “I will take it on  _one_  condition.”

Helena immediately perked up, nodding her head vigorously. “Yes. What is it?”

“I will take this,” she said, shaking the envelope for impact, “if you never try and give me another one ever again.

Helena frowned, brow furrowing in concentration as she weighed all the options. She hesitantly reached for the envelope back. “Can…can I think about it?” she asked, eyes wide in that innocent way she somehow managed to pull out of nowhere.

“Of course.” Mrs. S handed her back the envelope. “Now go get washed up. Supper’s in just a little bit.”

“Okay.”

Helena stood, carefully tucking the envelope back into her pocket and going for the stairs.

“Siobhan?” she asked quietly.

“Yes?”

“Sarah called me sestra. You call me family. A-are you my mother?”

Mrs S smiled the smallest bit. “If you want me to be, chicken.”

It wasn’t until after Helena had fully disappeared that Siobhan checked the time, frowning at her watch and glancing up at the door. Felix should have been home by now.

…

Cosima jolted awake at the sound of a Skype login, clumsily shoving on her glasses to inspect who it was for like the fourth time that evening.

And  _finally_ it was Delphine.

She stared at the little green online symbol. Just stared at it, heart racing. She didn’t think she had the courage to actually press the call button.

But she didn’t have to.

Almost immediately,  _Delphine calling_  popped up with the ringtone. She stared at her three options for what felt like hours before slowly scrolling to click ‘Answer with video”

It took a few seconds for the screen to load, but once it did, Cosima’s chest tightened to see Delphine, tired and red-eyed and hair slightly flat from a full day of wear.

She rubbed her eyes and tried to sit up, but when she did, Delphine’s frown deepened.

“Have you been sleeping all day, Cherie, it’s eight o’clock there, is it not?”

Cosima frowned in return, shifting her weight and adjusting her screen. “Which really begs the question why you’re online at two in the morning.”

Her stomach tightened at the silence that followed. At the tense look she received.

And for a long few minutes, all the could do was sit there and try and figure out the best thing to say.


	8. Chapter 8

Cosima clenched and unclenched her jaw. She’d had all these things to say, all kinds of questions and accusations – and now they were gone. It was as if she’d forgotten every word of the English language and how to string them together when finally faced with the opportunity.

Thankfully, Delphine was the first to speak up.

“Why haven’t you been answering your phone?”

Cosima snorted. Maybe it was her exhaustion, or the constant worrying, or the ache that had settled in her joints recently. Whatever it was, it ignited the flame, and she was getting up and setting the laptop on the desk, sitting in the desk chair so she could properly see the screen.

“That’s rich coming from you,” she snarled. “How many times did I try calling you the other day, huh? It was a lot, wasn’t it? And you never answered, did you?”

Delphine was startled by the venom in Cosima’s words, but more than that she was pissed. The accusing tone of Cosima’s voice had her hackles rising defensively, her stomach boiling angrily.

“Well, my apologies for being busy!” Delphine said, voice rising. “I had other things to do, you know. You aren’t the only thing in my life!”

“For the entire day? Christ, Delphine, you couldn’t take two seconds out of your busy goddamn schedule to just call me once? You could have even shot me a text to tell me how busy you were! That would have been totally cool! Instead you outright ignored me-“

Her rant was cut short by a strange, strangled noise followed by a spattering of harsh coughs that cut through Delphine like broken glass.

“Cosima,” she said over the harsh, barking sounds, but Cosima waved her hand feebly and spun the chair so her back faced the computer.

So Delphine couldn’t see her eyes watering, her face reddening.

Delphine’s anger immediately transformed into something more like concern as the sound of Cosima struggling for breath filtered through her speakers.

“S… Sorry,” gasped Cosima when she deemed it safe to turn back around. “That definitely, uh… ruined the mood, huh?” She chuckled awkwardly.

“What was that about?” demanded Delphine, deciding to bury her hurt feelings for now. “Are you sick?”

“I think I just have like, a cold or something. No big.” Cosima sniffed, rubbing a hand under her nose.

“That… that did not sound like ‘no big’,” Delphine said suspiciously, furrowing her brow. “That sounded like something you should see a doctor for.”

“Ew, no way,” said Cosima, distractedly getting up and wandering over to a specific corner of the room where her sweatshirt was laying. “I hate the doctor’s.”

“Cosima – “

“It’s late there, right? You should get some sleep. I’ll, um. Talk to you later.” She quickly crossed the room back over to her computer.

“Cos – “

Cosima ended the call.

Delphine sighed heavily, pushing her fingers into her hair and letting them get tangled there.

She did not sleep for quite some time after that, her head too full of the sound of coughing and her heart too full of undealt-with problems.

–

Felix had to admit, these guys weren’t too bad.

After his showdown with the kid in the hallway, that same kid had approached him again after school and introduced himself as “Bobby.”

“Some of us are headin’ up to the park to hang,” he’d said. “You can come with, if you want. You seem all right.”

Felix had every intention of saying no (Mrs. S liked him to come straight home most days), but then he remembered the kid’s previous words.

If you’re tough, you gotta act it.

He knew if he didn’t accept this kid’s offer to be friends, they’d end up being enemies instead.

Besides, this could help bolster his “don’t fuck with me” image, and he could always appreciate that.

“All right, sure,” he said, and Bobby grinned.

“Sweet. Follow me; I’ll introduce you to the guys.”

“The guys” were a group of rough-looking kids all varying in age. Felix didn’t try too hard to remember all of their names.

After an hour with them, Felix’s stomach hurt from laughing and he was feeling better than he had in… well, in a long time.

It was nice to have friends, especially ones his own age.

–

Alison wasn’t sure why she came back here. Beth would be back soon (she’d insisted on another run) and the last thing she wanted was an awkward run-in with the other girl when they were supposed to be in the middle of a fight.

But she needed someone to talk to, someone to understand, and Cosima was too busy acting weird and sleeping her life away.

So she climbed the stairs up to Mrs. S’s front door and burst in.

“Oi oi, Alison,” greeted Sarah cheerfully, but her smile slipped away when she saw Alison’s face. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

“I just-“ Alison reached for Kira, who was laid out on a blanket on the floor, surrounded by toys, “I need to just… Hold the baby.”

“Ok,” Sarah said slowly, watching Alison lift Kira and hold her close. She sat up a little in her chair, but didn’t say anything. Didn’t pry.

Alison sighed. “Beth and I, we… we got into a fight.”

“Really!” Sarah said, sounding shocked. “Trouble in paradise, eh?”

But Alison looked at her, all teary-eyed and wobbly-mouthed, and Sarah regretted her words. She sighed. “All right, put the baby down.”

“No!”

“Alison. C’mon.”

Alison huffed before placing Kira back on her blanket.

“Thank you,” Sarah said irritably, before coming forward and wrapping her arms around Alison.

Alison froze. She wasn’t used to being hugged, and even less used to being hugged by Sarah.

“Don’t worry,” Sarah breathed, “it’ll all work out. The two of you were meant for each other; you’re both bloody idiots.”

Alison gasped. “Hey!” she giggled.

Sarah smiled as she pulled away. “I’m serious,” she said earnestly. “It’ll be fine. Yeah?”

Alison sniffed, catching the tears with her thumb before they had the chance to slip down her face. “Ok.”

She then smoothed out her shirt (it wasn’t necessarily wrinkled, but the action calmed her, made her feel put-together) and straightened up. “I suppose I’d better leave before Beth gets here.”

Sarah smiled sadly. “Yeah, that’d be downright awkward, wouldn’t it?”

–

Before Felix even noticed any time had passed, the sky began to grow dark and he began to feel the guilty pang in his stomach that meant he’d stayed out too long.

“All right, sorry, fellas, but I’ve got to run,” he said, hopping off the top of the picnic table where he’d been seated.

A chorus of groans and “c’mon, man” greeted him, and he laughed.

“Sorry, I’ll be skinned alive if I stay any later! But I’ll see you guys tomorrow, yeah?”

“Right,” said Bobby, coming over to clap Felix on the back. “Tomorrow, definitely. By the way,” his voice lowered considerably, as did his eyes, and Felix followed the gaze to Bobby’s hand, where a bottle of pills was being discretely passed to him, “if you’re interested, I’m sellin’ these for a… real low price.”

“Uh, no, thanks,” said Felix immediately, and when he saw Bobby’s mouth turn down distastefully he added “I’ve got a… little somethin’ at home, and that’s hard enough to hide, ya know? But next time. For sure.”

Bobby’s face lightened immediately. “Sure, man. Cool.”

“Later,” Felix called over his shoulder, and several goodbyes were returned.

He looked up at the bruise-colored sky, watched as the sun began to disappear behind the houses, and knew he was in deep shit.

–

Siobhan started as Beth came pounding through the front door, heading immediately upstairs instead of to the kitchen like she usually would.

Siobhan looked at Sarah, who was pulling on her boots and preparing to leave for her night class. “Oh,” Sarah whispered, noticing the woman’s questioning look, “her ‘n Alison got in a fight.”

Sarah finished tying her boots and stood. “Can ya…” she lowered her voice, “keep an eye on her… while I’m out? Far as I understand it, this shit between ‘em’s real serious, and I don’t want Beth to… you know.”

Siobhan nodded. “Of course.”

“It’s just, she’s been doin’ so well, but she’s still kinda fragile, ya know?”

Siobhan came forward and put her hands on Sarah’s shoulders. “I know,” she said, staring into Sarah’s eyes. “Believe me, I know. But you can count on me, all right, love? She won’t get to do nothin’ rash long as I’m here.”

Sarah exhaled softly. “Thank you,” she said sincerely.

“Of course, love.” Siobhan paused. “By the way, have you heard from Felix?”

Sarah furrowed her brow. “No, why? He not home yet?”

“No.” Siobhan’s frown deepened.

“Eh, no worries, he’s probably off at that boy Colin’s, yeah?” Sarah smiled, trying to be reassuring.

“Hm, probably. We’ll see.”

“I can send Beth out to look for him, if ya –“

“No, no,” Siobhan insisted, snapping out of her reverie. “You just go, do some learnin’.”

Sarah just groaned.

She hated school.

–

Felix stepped gingerly through the door, hoping he could sneak in without being noticed.

Unfortunately, that plan went out the window when he saw Mrs. S sitting on the couch. She smiled at him.

“Well, well,” she said dryly. “Welcome back. Where’ve you been? Off runnin’ the streets?”

Felix tossed his backpack down, all hopes of a peaceful entrance destroyed. “I was with some friends.”

“There somethin’ wrong with your phone, then?” Siobhan asked. “Because, funnily enough, I didn’t receive a single call or message lettin’ me know where you were.”

“I… I forgot, I just – “

Mrs. S got up suddenly, crossing the room and leaning in close. She made a big show of sniffing the air around him before saying “Hmmm, interesting. Didja think I wouldn’t smell that on ya?”

“Some of the other blokes had some, but I wasn’t interested – “

“Regardless of whether or not I believe that, I still don’t want ya out runnin’ the streets with boys who smoke weed, all right?”

“Cosima smokes weed – “

“Cosima is an adult and also not my child. You will not hang around those boys again, understood?”

Felix clenched his jaw and looked away, trying for strong and silent.

“Understood?” Siobhan repeated, and Felix heard the promise of an ass-whooping in her voice if he didn’t answer.

“Yeah, all right,” he grumbled. “Whatever.”

“Good. Now, upstairs with you.”

Felix obeyed, running up to his room.

He wished he’d just stayed out.

–

Alison was making her way through campus, back to the dorms, when she saw a familiar figure perched on the edge of the fountain.

Cosima sat, looking abnormally small in her red jacket, a cigarette between her fingers.

“Hey,” Alison said quietly, taking a seat beside her.

“Hey,” Cosima replied flatly.

“I thought you didn’t like cigarettes.”

“I don’t.”

“Oh.”

Alison didn’t know what else to say. Cosima sounded… strange.

“Thought you’d still be at S’s,” Cosima said, taking a drag from the cigarette.

“Yes, well,” Alison said tightly, “Beth and I are… currently fighting, so I didn’t think I’d be very welcome.”

Cosima seemed to come back to herself at that. “Oh, shit dude,” she breathed. “I’m sorry.”

Alison shook her head, fiddled with the ends of her sweater sleeves. “It’s nothing we can’t get through. Have you spoken to Delphine?”

“We Skyped earlier.” She laughed bitterly, tapped the cigarette so the excess ashes fell to the ground. “I sort of hacked up a lung in the middle of our fight, though.”

Alison rolled her eyes. “I knew you were getting sick. Do you really think smoking is a good idea right now?”

Cosima sighed. “Who the fuck cares?”

Alison looked hard at her, at the cigarette in her hand, when suddenly it hit her.

Delphine smoked cigarettes.

Cosima was smoking the cigarette to feel close to Delphine.

It was an unhealthy coping mechanism, but still a coping mechanism, nonetheless.

So she reached over, plucked the cigarette from Cosima’s hand, and took a drag from it, too.

“Who the fuck cares, indeed.”

–

Once she put Kira to sleep, Siobhan made her way downstairs. She was surprised to hear rustling from inside the kitchen.

“Oh,” she said in surprise when she stumbled upon Beth seated at the kitchen table, aggressively shoveling cereal into her mouth. Siobhan was reminded of a time not so long ago when she’d faced this same image.

“What’s wrong, chicken?” she asked immediately, coming over to sit across from Beth, who didn’t even look up.

“I’m… craving,” Beth mumbled between bites, and she didn’t have to specify for Siobhan to get her meaning. “This… is better than that.”

“All right,” said Siobhan calmly. “Would you like to cook something, instead? It’d keep your mind off it, I bet.”

Beth paused, glanced at the clock. “It’s kinda late,” she said hesitantly.

“Yes, and you’re eating cereal,” laughed Mrs. S. “C’mon, I’m sure Sarah will be hungry when she comes home. We can make enough for her, too.”

Beth nodded slowly, lowering the spoon. “… All right.”

Siobhan smiled. “That’s it. Now, what shall we make?”


	9. Chapter 9

“No way, that’s not a thing, is it?” Beth laughed from her spot on the counter.

“Are you  _questioning_  me?” Mrs S teased, eyebrows raised in mock offence. “Me, the woman who managed to feed two vacuum cleaners for ten years?”

Beth snorted. “But seriously. Already baked brownies around cookie dough? Who comes up with that shit?”

Siobhan pointed to herself with the spatula. “Me, love. When you’re tired and don’t wanna wait that extra twenty minutes for all those damn cookies to be done, you improvise.”

“Alright, alright I won’t question,” Beth managed to say without too much laughter. “But you’d tell me if you were trying to make me fat, right? I mean seriously.”

“One time deal, love, my hand to God,” Siobhan said with a serious face, lifting her hand up.

“Yeah, yeah,” Beth rolled her eyes, “Sarah got her master lying from somewhere; I got my eye on you, S." 

"Ooooh, scary,” Siobhan mocked.

Beth’s mouth opened in over-exaggerated offence. “Hey!”

She grabbed the closest thing to her, a handful of flour, and threw it at Mrs. S. “I am a force to be reckoned with, thank you-”

But Siobhan grabbed her and hoisted her up over her shoulder with a growl. “That’s it ya little rascal now you’ve gone and done it." Beth’s yelp and peal of laughter echoed up as Mrs. S charged into the living room and dropped her on the couch. "No one messes with my hair, dear, and lives to tell the tale.”

Beth shrieked as tickling fingers ran up her sides, squirming to try and free herself, but years of practice and years of tickling a child much less worried about where her knees and elbows were gave Siobhan the advantage until Beth was a giggling mess. “Uncle,” she called with wobbling lilt, her laughter almost too heavy for her to speak. “ _Uncle, S, Uncle_.”

Mrs. S pulled her hands back only to set them on her hips, a smug smirk on her face. “Learned your lesson then, have we?”

Beth’s laughter remained as she sat up, her hand clutching her aching abs. “Yeah, yeah, lesson learned,” she muttered, but her smile was clear as she stood. “Thanks.”

“Anytime,” Siobhan said with a nod. “Anytime.”

The sound of the front door opening drew both their attentions, and their eyes met a very startled Alison’s.

Beth’s smile dropped out immediately, eyes falling flat in less than a second. Alison looked almost as hurt as they all stood there in looming silence.

“I…I forgot my purse,” she finally said lamely, pointing up the stairs without tearing her eyes away from Beth.

Beth, however, didn’t have a problem keeping her gaze averted. “Okay. Then go get it.”

“Okay.” Alison lingered there for a moment, as if expecting any other kind of response, but when none appeared to be coming, she turned awkwardly and scurried up the stairs.

Siobhan resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of her nose.

Of course Alison would show up just when she had gotten Beth in a semi-decent mood.

Time to start the process again, she supposed.

**…**

Helena chewed on the end of her pencil, brow furrowing as she studied the words in Sarah’s book one at a time. She had always wanted to go to university. The people were interesting and you could be outside during the day and no one cared. But she had gotten one too many arrests and one too many charges that stuck for it to be viable. Still, it didn’t keep her from bundling herself up under her covers in a cocoon with Sarah’s textbooks in her lap, notebook beside her to try every problem there was to try.

She liked the numbers. Not so much the science things. But to mix those characters over and over in a pattern completely made up and come up with a universal answer, no questions, no debates. One answer. One solution. It was satisfying. It was black and white.

A wailing sound caught her attention, her head snapping up.

Mrs. S would take care of it. She pressed her finger into her right ear to try and cut the sound, scribbling down distracted notes with her left. But the longer the crying went on, the deeper the crease in her brow got. Curious, she slowly pulled the blanket off her head, leaning to the side to try and see out into the hall. She couldn’t see any signs of movement.

Hesitantly, she slipped her feet onto the floor, taking a few cautious steps toward Kira’s room. Everything else was dark. Siobhan’s room, Sarah’s room, Beth’s room. Everyone was fast asleep in their perspective beds, completely oblivious to the screaming child Helena couldn’t seem to shut out from her ears.

She lingered just outside the baby’s room, clutching the doorframe for support and leaning her head just a fraction of the way into the room. “Kira?” she asked quietly, “Kira do not cry.”

But the baby just kept crying, arms thrashing in unhappy fits.

Helena bit her lip, glancing behind her to see if there was any change in the rest of the house. When there was still no stirring, she looked uncertainly back toward Kira. She took a few steps into the room, heel to toe in rocking fluid  _silent_  steps. Grasping the edge of the bed, she balanced herself up on her toes to get a better look at the baby.

She was all red-faced and splotchy, eyes screwed shut in unreadable distress. “Kira,” Helena tried again, softer, “please do not cry, you will wake up your family.”

“Oi, meathead, she can’t understand you.”

Helena jumped, fists clenched tight against her chest as she whipped around. “Sarah?”

Sarah stood in the doorway, wearing her usual oversized sweatpants and sports bra for pajamas.

“You startled me,” Helena said, no matter how obvious.

Sarah rolled her still sleep-heavy eyes, taking a few padding steps into the room. “Yeah, sorry; kinda used to sneakin’ around.”

She walked up beside Helena, reaching over the edge of the crib to hoist Kira up into her arms. “She responds better to touch,” Sarah explained gently, closing her eyes as she maneuvered Kira’s head to her chest. “Shhh, monkey,” she murmured, rocking just a little. And while the crying lessened, she did not stop. Instead she feebly started chewing on her hand.

Sarah noticed and sighed. “Okay, okay, food got it,” she mumbled. “Helena can you hold her while I go get a bottle?”

Helena frowned. “Can you not just take her with you?”

“Yeah…” Sarah said slowly, “but I slide down the banister not to make any noise an’ that’s not the safest option with a baby in your arms, now is it?”

She moved to lift Kira from her chest and Helena cringed into herself. Sarah sighed. “Please, Helena, just take her. It’ll be one minute.”

“She is fragile.”

“I know,” Sarah said as gently as possible, “but I  _trust_  you.”

The words erased all protests Helena had been planning on giving. She stood there, mouth hanging open for a second before tensing her body in preparation.

Sarah tried not to smirk. “No, you gotta be soft, okay? Not hard like that.” With her free hand, she guided Helena’s arms into something that resembled a proper position, then she gently lifted Kira toward the almost trembling blonde.

“Just remember to support her head and you’ll be fine, ‘kay?” she asked, securing the still wailing baby against Helena’s chest, cradled in her arms.

“Yes, okay sestra,” Helena said distractedly, too focused on not moving a muscle as she stared down at Kira.

“Great…” Sarah said warily. “I’ll be right back.”

She hurried away as silently as possible, sliding down the banister and skipping all the squeaky steps. She made the bottle in a minute flat, climbing the stairs a little more slowly, now that she had to actually use them. And only one creaky spot hit, she smirked triumphantly to herself only to realize the crying had stopped.

She frowned. In Kira’s room, Helena was swaying slightly head bowed to cocoon the child in a curtain of her curls. And while Sarah could still hear Kira’s slight whimper of hunger, she had never seen the baby so at ease in her life. Helena lifted her head, smiling a little at Sarah. “She likes singing, yes?” she said with almost delight.

Kira made another whining sound, sucking a little harder on her fingers.

“Yes, monkey, yes she does,” Sarah said softly, taking Kira back and placing a bottle in her mouth.

Helena watched intently, noting Sarah’s face as she stared down at her child. Her eyes were softer and her smile was warmer and she looked somehow both older and younger. She rocked Kira just a little spinning in a slow revolution, her one foot stationary as her pivot. Helena watched, and she couldn’t help but notice the marks staining Sarah’s sides in crooked lines.

She reached out and brushed her fingers along them, Sarah jolting at the unexpected touch.

“Are you alright?” Helena asked in concern.

“Wha’?” Sarah’s brow furrowed, confusion in her eyes as she bent to see around Kira to her side. “Oh,” she said dejectedly, “yeah ‘course.” She didn’t meet Helena’s eye.

“What are they from?”

Sarah licked her lips, looking up at the ceiling for a second. “They’re from Kira.”

“Did she claw you?” Helena asked, trying to catch a glimpse of Kira’s fingers in the dark.

“No,” Sarah shook her head slightly, turning so her back was a little more toward Helena, “No it’s what…what my body had to do so I could, uhh…fit her.”

It took a moment for Helena to process before she let out a sound of understanding. But Sarah looked uncomfortable, so she didn’t bring it up again. Instead, she walked over to the wall, and slid her back down it until she was sitting on the ground.

Sarah glanced her way. “What are you doin’?”

“I want to stay with you until you are finished.” Helena pointed to the bottle. “Is that alright?”

Blinking, Sarah stared at her for a moment. “Uhhh, yeah. Yeah that’s alright.”

She stood awkwardly for a pause of silence before slowly making her way over and sitting down beside Helena, Kira in her lap as she drank.

…

Cosima and Alison walked from class in relative silence. Alison hugged her notebook to her chest, Cosima clutching the strap of her satchel tightly. “Think you’re ready for finals?” Cosima asked to fill the void.

“I think so, yes,” Alison said, “but isn’t it strange? To call them finals, I mean. In high school we usually have midterms in December.”

“Gotta adapt, man,” Cosima said with a shrug and a smirk. “Survival of the fittest and all that.”

Alison rolled her eyes. “That  _hardly_  applies.”

Throwing her hand up defensively, Cosima gave a throaty laugh. “Suit yourself. But if you fail out I’m sure you won’t be knocking my drop out equals extinction metaphor.”

Alison shoved her shoulder lightly, Cosima grinning at the ground. “Shut up, Cosima.”

Before she could make a witty comeback, though, Cosima’s phone rang. She didn’t hide her surprise well as she pulled it from her bag.

_I hope you are having a good afternoon, Cosima._

Alison didn’t miss the almost smile as Cosima reread the text a few times. Even still, she simply relocked her phone and dropped it back into her bag.

They walked in silence for a little bit longer, but Alison couldn’t hold herself back. “She’s making an effort,” she said, eyes focused on where her feet were going.

Cosima looked straight ahead, eyes locked on the doors they were heading to. “Yeah. Yeah she is. Doesn’t mean she deserves an answer yet, though.”

“Isn’t that a little harsh?”

Cosima shrugged. “Maybe. But I’m pissed. And I’m allowed to be, okay?”

“But…don’t you miss her?”

“What kind of a question is that? Of course I do, but Alison I don’t want her to just…assume everything’s okay. Because it  _isn’t_. I mean it’s obviously getting there, but she can’t just fix it overnight. I’m not someone’s plaything, okay?”

The anxiety in her voice was evident; Cosima wasn’t a very  _sharing_  type despite her open personality. She shared everything she knew wasn’t a burden. But when her problems seeped into other people’s lives, she clamped up. It was just who she was. Always caring for everyone else first. She didn’t want to give so much that she was taking.

So Alison counterbalanced the give/take ratio.

“I saw Beth yesterday.”

“Yeah?” Cosima offered. “How awkward was that?”

“Very,” Alison said dejectedly. “She looked… _happy_  and then when she actually saw me it all just…vanished.”

“Ouch,” Cosima said, sucking in air through her teeth in sympathy.

“But I felt selfish, Cosima, for wanting her to be happy because of me. I…I messed up and I just…I don’t know how to start mending.”

Cosima gave her a sidelong look before looking back down at her feet. She kicked a nearby rock with her next step, shoulders raising in a question. “Well I mean you could maybe start by…’making an effort’, was it?”

Alison pressed her lips together in slight annoyance. “Don’t ever quote me again.”

“Yes ma’am,” Cosima said with a chuckle.

They both knew it was the best option, though.

…

Sarah’s day wasn’t going particularly well. School had been long and boring and of the two quizzes she had gotten back, only one of them had been a passing grade. And even that one was  _barely_.

Part of her actually looked  _forward_  to work that day, but in entering the fast food place, she found herself more alone than usual. It was the day Helena worked at the office instead of there.

She never pictured the day she would  _miss_  Helena, but here she was, staring at her usual register and wishing she could see that stupid hair under that stupid hat.

Customers were shitty and by the time her break came around, she could already feel grease coating the inside of her nose. With weary feet she slouched into the back room, skipping her dinner to instead try and read the new chapter for her class tomorrow.

For minutes she stared at the page. For minutes she read the words, over and over, but for some reason they just didn’t make sense. She saw the words and recognized all of them but she could not for the life of her understand what they meant together.

How was she such a fuck up? How was she such a failure that she couldn’t even make it through one semester of  _community college_  without struggling?

Anger spiked through her and she swiped the book off the table in a hard motion, so hard it flew across the room, slamming into the wall and falling next to a pair of rather expensive looking shoes. Sarah glanced up to find the owner of the feet occupying them looked rather expensive herself.

“My first day here and someone’s already damaging property?” the girl said, voice calm and collected as she stared at the small dent in the wall. “What a way to make your acquaintance.”

Sarah blinked at her, brow furrowing as she took in the perfect short hair and sharp eyes. Was she supposed to apologize? Pick up the book?  _Stand_ maybe?

But the girl just proceeded. “My name is Rachel Duncan, and I’m your new boss.”

The real meaning of the words took a few moments to sink in, but when they did, Sarah’s stomach dropped with sickening regret.

“Shite.”


	10. Chapter 10

“Oh my God, it was awful,” Sarah said, pulling the cap off her head and tugging her hair from its loose ponytail. “The bitch is nuts; takes herself way too seriously. Said we were gonna ‘come to terms.’ What the fuck does that even mean?”

Siobhan laughed, squeezing Sarah’s shoulder as she walked by. “Sounds like you’ve met your match, love.”

Sarah groaned and flopped down on the couch. “It’s like she fancies herself some corporate bigwig, which is ridiculous because she works for bloody Burger King.”

Cosima snorted from her study corner, where she was surrounded by an overwhelming abundance of notes scrawled messily on lined paper and books opened up to heavily highlighted pages. Sarah wasn’t even sure if Cosima was laughing at what she’d just said or at her own dwindling sanity, which grew less and less the closer the girl got to finals.

“What is her name, again?” Helena asked.

Sarah rolled her eyes. “ _Rachel Duncan_ ,” she said, in the most overly-posh accent she could muster, while still sounding like the name left an awful taste on her tongue.

“Rachel,” drawled Helena, as if testing out the name. “You do not like this Rachel person?”

“Not even an inch,” Sarah said. “I thought Alison was uptight, but this bitch…”

“Then I do not like her, either,” Helena said with conviction.

Sarah just raised her eyebrows. She then turned to Cosima, who was hunched over a particularly thick volume. “Speakin’ of Alison, where is she?”

“Back at the dorm,” Cosima said distractedly. “She was afraid Beth might be here.”

Sarah scrunched up her nose. “Beth has night classes today. She coulda at least come and hung out for like, an hour.”

“That’s what I said.”

Sarah sighed and swiped a tired hand over her face. “They need to figure their shit out. Not only are they makin’ each other crazy, but they’re drivin’ me up a damn wall, as well.”

Cosima laughed. “Tell me about it. It sucks being in the middle of a lover’s spat.”

Sarah smirked. “Ain’t that the fuckin’ truth.”

–

Alison found, with just a smidge of disappointment, that it was startlingly easy to sneak alcohol into her dorm.

All she had to do was buy the bottle (she never got carded; Sarah once said it was because she gave off a very “mom” vibe, whatever that meant) and shove it into her oversized tote bag.

Nobody was the wiser.

The goal was simple: To drink until she forgot about Beth Childs.

So she drank.

An hour later and she was very much drunk and very much still thinking about Elizabeth goddamn Childs.

Why did she have to be so… that way? So great? Alison did not deserve her, that was for sure.

Alison sighed, took another drink. Now that she thought about it, she didn’t actually know what was in the bottle; she’d just grabbed whatever looked… alcoholic enough.

It sure did the trick.

Alison became suddenly overwhelmed with the need to speak to Beth. Days spent avoiding the other girl had Alison longing for her voice, desperate to hear her dumb little turns of phrase and her nervous “I can’t believe you just said that” laugh.

She missed Beth.

In her current state it took her approximately ten minutes to find her phone (yes, it was on the desk in plain sight, but it was partially covered by some papers, thank you very much). She held it in both hands, staring down at the black screen like it might tell her what she was supposed to do.

What was she supposed to do?

She didn’t know.

But she knew what she _wanted_ to do.

–

Beth’s phone rang just as she opened her car door.

Frowning, Beth pulled her phone from her coat pocket and looked at the screen.

Her stomach dropped.

Alison. What was she calling for? She wouldn’t call now, not at this time of night and not during a fight like this.

Unless there was an emergency.

So she answered with a quick, trembling “Alison?” and hoped for the best.

“Beth?” The voice on the other end sounded sloppy, like Alison had forgotten how to use her mouth to make words.

“Yeah. What is it? Are you ok?”

“I’m… ok…” Beth squinted. Alison sounded odd.

“Ok…”

“I just…” there was sniffling. Beth’s heart began to race, her hands going cold the way they always did when she was nervous.

Suddenly, Alison’s voice was pouring through the speaker, her words a jumble. “I _love_ you, Beth. I love you _so much_ and it scares me… everything about it scaressssme, _y’know_? And that… that makessssme so _angry_ because you deserve better. You dessserve someone who isssn’t so _scared_ all the damn time. Someone who doesssn’t _care_ what other people think. You-“

“Ok, wow,” Beth interrupted, wedging her phone between her jaw and shoulder and sticking her key in the ignition. “Ali, are you drunk?”

“I’m… ssssorry, is what I am.”

“Jesus, you can barely articulate,” Beth said, exasperated. She almost laughed, because Alison’s drunk voice was kinda cute, but she held it in. This was far more serious than that.

“Don’t… make fffun of me, Eli-Elizzzzzzzz… _Beth_.”

“Uh-huh. Where are you?”

“I’m at… home.”

Beth rubbed her eyes. “Home like S’s, or home like your dorm?”

“Dorm.”

“Is Cosima there?” It wouldn’t surprise Beth, if Cosima was the one to facilitate this. Normally weed was more Cosima’s bag, but Beth wouldn’t put getting Alison totally smashed past her.

“No. She went to Mrs. S’s but I wanted to st…stay.”

Beth pinched the bridge of her nose. “So you could get drunk. Alone.”

“I cannn hear you judging me, Beth. I don’t… I don’t app-ppreciate that.”

“All right, all right. Listen: Stay put. I’ll be there in twenty minutes; thirty, tops. Got it?”

“Yes.”

“I mean it, Alison. Don’t go anywhere. The last thing you need is to be caught drinking underage and in your dorm.”

“Yes, Officer,” Alison teased. Then she hung up.

Beth rolled her eyes, tossed her phone into the cup holder then ran both hands through her hair and exhaled heavily.

“Jesus Christ,” she mumbled, and put it in drive.

–

By the time Beth arrived at Alison’s dorm, the other girl was an emotional wreck.

“Christ, Alison,” said Beth when Alison answered the door, sobbing and throwing her arms around Beth’s neck.

“I’m sorry I’m s-sso _horrible_ ,” Alison moaned into Beth’s shoulder. Beth grimaced, tried to look anywhere but at the crying girl in her arms.

“You’re not… horrible, Alison,” she said. “Here, let’s actually go inside and like, close the door.”

Alison allowed Beth to disentangle her arms from around her neck and usher her farther into the room, closing the door behind her.

Alison sat down heavily on her bed, looking dejected and very much like a child who knew they’d been bad.

Beth crossed the room and took a seat on Cosima’s bed.

“All right,” she said. “Let’s figure this thing out.”

–

Early morning light was filtering in through the window when Sarah came downstairs, Kira fastened snugly into the baby carrier that held her flush against Sarah’s chest.  A white-faced, tired looking Cosima huddled on the couch, book in hand, pencil between her teeth.

“Hey,” Sarah said quietly. “Thought you’d be up.”

“Oh, hey,” said Cosima, plucking the pencil from her mouth. “What’s up?”

“I need to go to the store, get some diapers. I swear this kid shits more than any grown human I know.”

Cosima laughed, and Sarah smiled, putting a hand against the back of the baby’s head.

“Anyway,” she said, “you wanna come with? I could use some company.”

“What are you talking about?” joked Cosima. “You’ve got Kira!”

Sarah rolled her eyes, grinning. “Believe it or not, she’s not a real good conversationalist.”

“I don’t believe that for a second!” Cosima yawned widely and stood up, stretching, back popping. “I’ll come with ya. I need a study break, anyhow, otherwise my brain’s gonna melt out my ears.”

“Can’t have that,” Sarah said, watching Cosima grab her shoes from the corner and pull them on with a strange sort of slowness Sarah had never seen in her before. Cosima seemed permanently stiff and in pain these days, though she’d deny it the instant you said anything.

“All right, Cos?” Sarah asked anyway as Cosima straightened with a slight wince.

“Yeah,” Cosima answered flippantly, looking nonplussed as she headed for the door. “Ready?”

“Yeah.”

–

Walmart was quiet at this time of morning.

Cosima’s phone buzzed as they made their way down the aisles. She kept one hand on the cart and used the other to tug the phone out of her pocket.

_Good morning, cherie. Have a great day._

She locked her phone and put it back in her pocket with a sigh.

“Whoa,” said Sarah, who had glanced at the phone screen to see who had texted. “Givin’ Frenchie the cold shoulder, are we?”

“Yeah, well. She did the same to me, so.” Cosima tightened her grip on the cart.

“That long distance thing isn’t workin’ out quite the way you hoped, is it?”

“Nope,” said Cosima, turning to look at the items on the shelves to pretend her heart wasn’t suddenly plummeting.

But Sarah noticed, and she reached a hand out to squeeze Cosima’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Cos.”

Cosima smiled wanly. “Thanks, man.”

There was a middle aged woman standing in the diaper aisle when they arrived, and as Sarah made to pick out the cheapest brand, Cosima couldn’t help but notice the woman staring.

She could practically feel the judgment radiating from this woman, and it made her skin start to prickle. She knew Sarah had to deal with shit like this on a daily basis, knew her friend got stares and whispers and silent judgment anywhere she went with Kira , just because she was a bit younger than the average mom. And she knew Sarah noticed it now, but was so used to it by this point that she didn’t have the energy to do anything about it.

And quite frankly, it pissed Cosima off.

“Hey!” she called down to the woman. “I know my friend is hot and everything, but if you keep staring like that, your eyes are gonna dry out.”

The woman, looking embarrassed at having been caught, hurried on her way. Sarah snorted.

“Someone’s frisky today,” she said.

“Yeah, well,” grumbled Cosima, pushing her glasses up her nose. “I’m just not in the mood for peoples’ shit. It’s like, what right do they have to judge you? They don’t even know you, man. _I_ know you, and I know you’re a way better mother than I could ever hope to be, so they can just fuck off.”

She said it like it didn’t matter, but it did. It mattered, and Sarah was embarrassed to feel a lump forming in her throat.

“Thanks, Cos,” she managed to get out, pleased to find her voice wasn’t shaky.

“Sure, dude,” Cosima said, sounding unconcerned and pulling a pack of diapers off the shelf. “I’ll pay for these ones. You can never have too many diapers, with a shitting machine like Kira.”

Sarah laughed outright at that. “True. Hey, you really think I’m hot?” She smirked.

Cosima groaned. “Don’t push it.”

–

Beth shifted her weight, trying not to disturb the sleeping girl in her arms.

She’d come here to figure this thing, this relationship, out once and for all. But, as it turned out, Alison was just… a bit too drunk to figure much of anything out, and somewhere around midnight they’d ended up like this; tangled in each other.

It was sort of bittersweet, this closeness they were sharing now. On the one hand, Beth could hold Alison close, could smell her shampoo, could feel her breaths and count them each. She’d missed being this near Alison.

On the other hand, it wouldn’t last. There were things Alison needed to figure out; personal things, things Beth couldn’t help her with. And soon, she would wake up, hung over and just as distant as before.

So Beth couldn’t waste this.

So she tightened her grip, buried her nose in Alison’s hair.

And enjoyed the silence, while she could.

–

Siobhan found Helena seated at the kitchen table, one of Felix’s sketchbooks laid out before her, a look of concentration on her face. Siobhan smiled. Felix had taken to showing Helena the ropes of art, had given her one of his extra sketchbooks and a few of his old drawing pencils to practice with. It was startling, how quickly Helena took to drawing. Siobhan knew it was doing something good for the girl. It was clearly therapeutic.

“Hello, chicken,” Siobhan greeted as she entered. “What are we workin’ on?”

“Self-portrait,” Helena rumbled, and Siobhan’s stomach dropped as the drawing came into view.

It was a face – not a recognizable one, but one with all the right features; eyes, a nose, a mouth. The mouth was open wide as if in a silent scream. The lines were harsh, dark, scribbled, and there were parts of the paper where Helena had pushed the pencil too hard, poking holes.

Siobhan, not for the first time, found herself wondering just what, exactly, this girl had gone through, just what, exactly, went on in that brain of hers.

She wondered what kind of turmoil Helena still felt today.

Siobhan put a smile on her face, regardless, and placed a kiss on top of Helena’s fluffy blonde head.

“It’s lovely, dear.”

“Thank you.” Helena stopped her vicious sketching to look up at Siobhan. “Oh. I have thought about the… money thing.”

Siobhan raised her eyebrows. “Oh? And?”

Helena pulled an envelope from between the pages of the sketchbook. She stood, handed it over.

“It… sounds like a good deal,” she said, eyes fixed on the floor.

“Well all right,” said Siobhan approvingly. “I’ll take this, then. And I won’t be expecting any more from you. Correct?”

“Yes.”

“A pleasure doin’ business with you, love,” Siobhan said as Helena gathered up her art supplies and hurried out of the room.

Siobhan peeled open the envelope, and was surprised to find double the amount of money Helena usually gave her. She snorted.

“Sneaky girl.”


	11. Chapter 11

Delphine stared at her screen for a long time, finger hovering over Enter. She was done waiting. She was done passively sitting around waiting for Cosima to consider taking her back. She was ready to fight for this girl and without much more hesitation she hit the key that would book her flight to Canada the moment her classes let out for winter break.

She was not unreasonable, though. Nor was she particularly interested in encroaching on Cosima’s boundaries. She would tell her about the ticket; the first possible moment she got to actually speak with Cosima would be when she did it. She wanted Cosima to know she was invested, that was all. If they were a lost cause, Cosima would say so, and she could, albeit broken-heartedly, cancel the reservation.

Sighing, she ran her fingers through her hair, slouching back against her desk chair. It felt good, making a decision. Gratifying.

“Viens-tu?”

She glanced up to see her roommate hanging back in the doorway, expectant look on her face. “où?” Delphine asked dumbly.

The look the girl gave her was enough to tell her she was a complete idiot. “à la conférence?”

Delphine put her hand to her forehead, frustrated at her complete mind-blank. She nodded quickly. “Ouais, j’y vais. Deux minutes?”

She got an eye roll. Which was the best she was going to get. So she dressed, slightly rushed, throwing the closest shirt over her head and hopping into yesterday’s red pants before hustling for the door.

…

Alison hunched over her book a little further, her shoulders straining from being in that exact position for the last week. She just had to get this stuff down and if she read it enough times it  _had_  to happen right?

She blew uselessly at her bangs, chin dropping in defeat to the pages of the textbook with a whimper to match. Maybe a nap wouldn’t hurt. Right here in the middle of the student lounge. No big deal.

“Ali!”

Alison’s head shot up, whipping around to find the source of the voice. Beth was walking toward her, coffee in hand. She looked good. Slimmer. More color in her face. She was in a pair of jeans with a button up shirt and blazer, hair in a loose bun. Not to be mistaken with a messy one. Alison furrowed her brow. “Beth? What are you doing here?”

Beth shrugged, putting the coffee down In front of Alison. “I didn’t have class today. And I know how you get with big exams.” She gave an almost smile. “Now drink.”

Alison didn’t know how to react. She sat there, eyes going between the coffee and Beth and back, trying to process. Weren’t they fighting? Weren’t they…confused together?

Carefully, Beth put her hand on the back of the other empty chair. “Can I maybe…sit?” she asked hesitantly.

A few seconds of silence and all Alison could manage was a nod. Still. She  _did_ nod. Beth pulled the chair out and sat, putting her elbows onto the table and leaning into them. “I-I thought you were mad at me,” Alison sputtered out finally.

She took the coffee cup with one hand, not moving it from the table, instead just cupping it for warmth.

“Mad is…strong,” Beth said, dropping her down to balance on her forearms flat on the table. “I was just kinda…disappointed.” She looked down at a spot on the table between them. Alison let her; she knew Beth wasn’t good with emotions. Or relaying them. Or well, any of it, really.

“I just…I got so wrapped up in you a-and us,” Beth tried slowly, tripping over  _us_. Like she had once cherished it so dearly, like now it was something to mourn. “that I forgot we were friends.”

She swallowed, gaze shifting to the side as she pressed her lips together. “And that wasn’t fair of me, Ali. In all this I forgot the whole reason it started. Because I love you and I care about you and…I’m not doing my job as your friend if I just cold shoulder you when I know you’re out here killing yourself over studying.”

She blinked back a few tears. “That’s not love; that’s spite. A-and that’s not us. Never was. I-I don’t want it to start now.”

Before Alison could get a word in, Beth stood. She walked around the table and kissed the top of Alison’s head. “I love you,” she mumbled. “Text me if you get too stressed. I’ll get like…pizza or something and we can watch a movie at S’s, okay?”

And with that she promptly rushed off, head down. She tucked a strand of flyaway hair behind her ear before shoving her hands into her pockets and rounding the corner out of sight.

Alison just sat there, hands cupping the coffee, still trying to piece together what had just occurred. And pondering how incredibly  _stupid_  she was for letting someone who cared about her this much stew in all those negative feelings. How could she let Beth walk away thinking she wanted anything less than what they had started to build together?

She blew her bangs up in a burst of frustration, groaning and dropping her forehead back down onto the textbook.

…

Sarah threw the pencil across the room with an angry sound. “Cosima it doesn’t make any bloody sense.”

“No, c’mon, don’t give up, okay? It’s just math.”

“It doesn’t  _feel_  like it. I mean Christ I failed calculus the first time, yeah? College is worse.”

Cosima put her hands up half defensively and half in prep of explanation. “Hang on hang on let’s back up a few steps or uhh, yeah a few miles and start from square one okay?” She twisted her wrists to bring her hands up in a question.

Sarah dropped her head into her hands. “No, Cos, you’ve given up enough of your time already. You’ve got your own studyin’ to do.”

“No, I insist.” Cosima deflected as she shook her head. “I mean it’s not like I’m getting much sleep anyway. Might as well benefit someone else too.”

“I don’t wanna be the reason Cosima Niehaus fails a class,” Sarah muttered into her hands.

Cosima rolled her eyes. “Don’t be an idiot Sarah. I don’t need to study to pass, y’know. Just to get A’s. Now come on. Beginning. Derivatives. What’d you know?”

“ _Nothing_ ,” Sarah said loudly, throwing her hands up.

Kira stirred in her car seat beside Cosima, squeaking an unhappy noise. Sarah immediately hunched her shoulders sheepishly. Cosima didn’t even flinch, foot going out to rock the seat as she waved her hands in a satisfied motion. “Well then there’s your problem. You’ve got no foundation to work with. Okay. So x2. Do you know the derivative of that?”

Sarah ran her fingers through her hair once, shaking it loose as she thought. “It’s, uhh, 2x right?”

“Yeah awesome,” Cosima nodded with half a smile, leaning back into the cushions and closing her eyes. “And the derivative of that?”

“That’s what I don’t bloody get, Cos. Why is it 2?”

“Mmmm you’re a why girl, huh?” Cosima teased, reaching out blindly until she felt sweater and poked. Sarah swatted her hand away.

“Yeah it’s easier if I just…get it, y’know?”

Cosima nodded more, lifting her glasses up onto the top of her head. “Yeah I totes get it. Makes all the sense in the world.” She rubbed her eyes lazily. “It’s 2 because it’s literally the same process. To get the derivative of x2 you put the 2 in front of the x as a multiplier, right? And then subtract one from the exponent so it’s actually 2x1.”

She cracked open one eyelid to inspect a slightly out of focus Sarah. “Still following?”

Sarah nodded mutely.

“Okay so then you’ve got 2x1 and you do the same thing. Bring the one down as a multiplier. So 1 times 2 is still 2. And then you subtract one from the exponent. So then it’s 2x0, right? And what’s anything to the zero power?”

Sarah sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. “Bloody one.”

Cosima poked her tongue against her teeth in a silent laugh. “Yeah. So the x becomes 1 and it’s just 2.” Tipping her glasses back over her forehead and onto her nose, Cosima tilted her head. She gave a proud smirk, quirking her eyebrows up.

“Don’t look so smug, you idiot.” Sarah shoved her shoulder lightly; Cosima laughed, something catching in the back of her throat until she coughed a little.

“I dunno man,” she smiled again, clearing her throat. “I’ve got a right to it. I mean I taught you more than our high school teacher did in an entire year.”

Sarah rolled her eyes. “Yeah okay. What else is there?”

“Oh,” Cosima chuckled, leaning forward to grab a notebook and new pen, handing them over to Sarah. “That’s the easiest one. Onto some less straightforward things. Then I gotta go to my last class before finals actually start, okay?”

…

Delphine glanced distractedly at her phone as she swirled her beaker; she’d been trying to get the goddamn iron to dissolve for over twenty minutes now and her patience was starting to wear. Not to mention Cosima should be getting home soon. She pressed the home key with her elbow, checking the time once again. Nine thirty. Cosima’s classes were just letting out.

She shook her head. She was pining. She was hung up on this girl and they had basically been fighting for the past month. And she hated to remember that she had been what started the downward spiral. Cosima had every right to ignore her, but that didn’t make it hurt less. It didn’t make her any less desperate for some kind of contact. Her face or her voice. She would even settle for a  _text_  at this point. And she wanted Cosima to know how much she was willing to fight for them; she hoped she would get that opportunity, that Cosima would pick up long enough for her to give the news of the flight she had recently booked.

The T.A. circled around once more, pausing at her station. She blushed and kept her eyes down, wishing she had managed to snatch her phone off the table in time. “plus du chlorure,” he said gently before continuing on, not even blinking at the phone she had perched on her workspace.

Sighing, she dimmed the screen with her elbow again, hurrying off to follow his advice before rushing back and swirling simultaneously. She put the beaker on a heating plate, dropping a watchglass over the top and idly standing by, shifting her weight and chewing on her lip. She just wanted the day to be over. She had things to study and papers to write and she wanted to be  _done_  so she could focus on something more important. Some _one_  more important.

She pulled one of her fingers free of the latex glove, swiping her password into her phone and pulling up Skype. But Cosima was still very much offline and her solution was still very far from boiling.

“Ça va?”

Delphine jumped, breathing out an almost laugh, running her fingers through the top of her loose ponytail. “ça va,” she managed with half a head nod, glancing for a moment over at the girl before back to the floor.. “Et toi?”

“Fatiguée,” the girl admitted. “si je ne savais pas que Dr Leekie était à cet étage, je ferais une sieste sous la table.”

“Cheeky,” slipped out before Delphine could catch it, along with a genuine laugh.

The girl blinked, an embarrassed smile tugging at her lips. “Merde, uhh, I’m sorry. Are you not French?”

Delphine shook her head. “Si, I am. I suppose I have simply been, uhh…focusing more on English these past few months.”

“Mmmm,” she hums from the back of her throat. “Been there, done that.”

“I, uhh…” Delphine faltered, brow furrowing. “I’m not sure I…understand?”

“You’re in love, yeah? Like the crazy mad do anything for them kind?”

“Oh, I…”   _Yes, very much so_ , “It’s complicated.”

The girl laughed once. “Yeah. Got that. You’re lucky your phone doesn’t need to breathe otherwise you’d be SOL.”

“Quoi?” Delphine looked down, only to see her knuckles clenched so tightly around her phone they were a shade of white. “Merde.”

She loosened her grip, blushing. But before she could say more, Cosima’s icon switched green. Her eyes flicked up to the girl’s, who caught the look of pleading. She waved Delphine off with a smirk. “I’ll watch your thing. Won’t let it all boil off on ya. Go. Seriously.”

Delphine didn’t even fully let the girl finish before she was rushing out the lab door, pulling her goggles off and hitting the video call button.

And a very startled Cosima popped up on her screen.

She held back the sigh of relief her whole body wanted so desperately to release. She was so relieved she barely even noticed how pale the girl looked. “Cosima!” she exhaled. “I…I did not think you would pick up.”

Cosima pressed her lips together in contempt, hastily dropping the cigarette she had been holding out of view of the camera. “I forgot I had auto answer on,” she said glumly.

“Oh.” Delphine’s shoulder slumped, glancing self-consciously up and around the hall. “I, uhh, I will go then, oui? I only wanted to tell you something quickl—“

“Are you on your phone?” Cosima squinted and leaned closer to her screen, trying to get a better view of Delphine’s surroundings. Delphine blinked. She was surprised Cosima even cared, and it almost took the sting out of the entire lack of greeting. No hellos no smiles no nothing.

“Yes, I, euh, I am in lab right now.” She pulled her phone far enough away from her to show the collar of her lab coat.

She didn’t miss the almost grin Cosima let escape. But Cosima did, in fact, pull it back. She couldn’t have Delphine knowing how cute she looked. With the lab coat and the goggle marks around her eyes and her ponytail.

Goddamn that ponytail.

“Are you really skipping lab for me?” she asked, tone accusatory.

“It is no problem,” Delphine waved her hand. “Really; someone is, uhh, taking care of it.”

 “No,” Cosima shook her head, “Get back to it, seriously—“

“Cosima  _wait_ ,” Delphine cut in sharply, a little too harshly she worried. “Please…”

She tried to collect herself but all she could feel was jerking sobs threatening to escape from her chest. Cosima waited patiently, albeit clearly unhappy. She couldn’t come up with words right away. She was too caught up in the face she had missed so much. The scrunching of that cute nose as she tried to adjust her glasses without her hands. That look in her eyes.

She could feel it, even with just the screen, just the sad excuse for Cosima as an imitation with pixels and glass. But she could still feel that tension in her chest, pulling her toward this woman. And the slightly hurt look in Cosima’s eyes told her the brunette felt the same. Desperate to be okay without her.

Delphine ran her fingers through her ponytail, catching the band and pulling her hair free from its confines. She ruffled it nervously, licking her lips and forcing herself to look at Cosima.

“Please,” she repeated feebly. “Just…just talk to me.”

Cosima swallowed, averting her eyes from the screen to watch the ash of the cigarette grow steadily longer.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” she said half-heartedly.

She tapped the cigarette off the windowsill edge, watching the released ashes fall, getting picked up by the wind and blown in a different direction.

“That is a lie. Please just say it. I…I cannot fix what I do not know is broken.”

Cosima sighed, putting her free hand to her forehead and clenching her jaw once. “This really isn’t the best time—“

“There never  _will_  be a best time, Cosima! Don’t you see that? Just  _say_  it.  _Tell_ me,” Delphine pressed, trying to keep the desperate edge out of her tone. She glanced nervously behind her, making sure she hadn’t caught the attention of anyone.

Closing her eyes, Cosima snuck her fingers under her glasses to pinch the bridge of her nose. A few moments of tense and loaded silence and she carefully released her nose, shifting in her seat and adjusting her laptop so she was centered on the camera. “I’m only gonna ask this once, okay?” Cosima said, lifting her hand up, fingers spread, and twisting it in a back and forth motion; a call for recognition. Delphine gave it to her with an overly-enthusiastic nod. “Yes, alright.”

“And if I don’t like your answer, or even how you consider it, there really is nothing to say, okay?”

Again, Delphine nodded.

“Okay…” Cosima said uncertainly, pausing for a moment, clearing her throat before asking, “Are you or have you been cheating on me?”

Delphine blinked in shock. She had been ready to answer anything; anything at all with as much sincerity as she could dig from her sorry heart, but that? That was not what she had expected, and her cheek stuck from the slap of absurdity.

“What?” she exhaled with an incredulous laugh. “No! Cosima, no of course not!”

But Cosima seemed miffed none the less. “You shouldn’t be laughing! It’s totally plausible, okay?”

“Wh…Cosima, I would never,” Delphine said, quiet and stone serious.

“What am I supposed to think, Delphine?” Cosima asked in frustration. “You get all googly-eyed over some doctor guy and the next thing I know you’re too busy to give me the time of day? Like seriously it’s hard to tell if you even give a shit about me at all.”

“I care about you more than anything, Cosima. I just bought pl—”

“Look you told me to tell you what was bothering me and I did, okay? Can we just forget it?” Cosima threw her hand up in a distressed gesture, letting her spread fingers fall over her face in splayed protection from the screen.

“No, I am trying to tell you something important—”

But before she could say more Cosima was coughing, bending forward and hacking a wet cough. It made Delphine’s stomach tie in knots, her chest tight and heavy in a pressure against her sternum. She watched Cosima clutch at the desk, knuckles white, breaths shallow and loud in desperate attempts for air. Just cough after cough after desperate cough until it subsided.

Cosima’s head stayed bowed, taking a few moments to gain her breath back. Delphine just watched her shoulders rise and fall in steady, deep motions as she inhaled, exhaled, inhaled, exhaled. Finally, Cosima lifted her head, wiping her lips with the back of her hand, but not before Delphine saw the flecks of blood left behind.

They sat in strangled silence, caught between the lingering effects of their fight and their natural tendency to reach for each other.

“Cosima…” Delphine tried, voice high with worry.

Cosima’s adamant protests didn’t come like they usually did before Delphine could even get the words out.

“Go see a doctor.”

Cosima sank forward, elbows on her desk and face buried in her hands. “I don’t want to.”

Delphine wanted to be selfish, wanted to ask why, but she already knew. Cosima did not want to know. The cheeky live-in-the-moment girl didn’t want to know how many moments she had left, not to mention the field day her parents would get out of it. She knew that her stubborn girl would rather die than give her parents the thrill of having their daughter finally be the equivalent of a lab experiment to them

“Chérie…” Delphine started slowly, “I cannot make you.” Her jaw trembled at the words, for even stating the obvious made her feel useless, “But I can tell you that I’ll be with you every step of the way—“

“But you  _won’t_ ,” Cosima half-shouted, voice cracking with rough edges as she shoved papers off her desk in frustration. Delphine could hear the papers fluttering to the ground as they sat in crashing silence.

She looked away, down at the ground, chewing nervously on her lip as she tried to think of exactly what to say. “Je t’aime,” she mumbled, running her fingers through her hair. She couldn’t look at the screen. She didn’t want to know what emotion she would see. Pity? Loss? Hope?

So what she missed was how Cosima blinked. How Cosima’s skin ran cold with a chill of remorse because she hadn’t realized how long it had been since they had actually…said that. She swallowed thickly, dropping her forehead to her bent knee that was by her head. Inhaling deeply, she counted out a few breaths before answering.

“I…I love you too, Delphine.”

Delphine’s eyes automatically looked back to the screen, and she blinked a few times to clear her vision, tears spilling over before she could catch them. She didn’t want to seem surprised. She just stared at Cosima sitting there, with her eyes closed and her face buried against her propped up knee.

“Promise me you’ll go to a doctor o-or check yourself into a hospital or…or something?” she asked quietly, voice trembling slightly as she fought for composure.

Cosima didn’t move from her position. Just closed her eyes tighter. “Okay,” she sighed. “Yeah. For you.”

“Merci,” Delphine managed to say even though her throat felt tight.

“Delphine, hey!” The male voice behind her made her jump, her phone clattering the floor.

“Merde,” she breathed, looking between the phone and the fast approaching Dr. Leekie. She chose to focus on him, swallowing and putting her hands behind her back. She hoped she didn’t look too red-eyed either. “Bonjour,” she tried as lightly as possible.

“I haven’t seen you around; everything going okay for you? We missed you at the neolution lecture last night.”

She nodded forcefully, running her fingers through her hair and fighting not to glance behind her at her probably destroyed phone. How was she supposed to call Cosima now? “Ouais,” she said distractedly, “I have been dealing with more important matters, actually.”

“That’s totally understandable of course. But if it’s your studies you’re falling behind in, I’d be more than glad to help. Over dinner, maybe?”

Delphine clenched her jaw. She might not have cheated on Cosima but she had definitely made her at least think she had. And that was the last thing she wanted. Not then not now and not ever.

“Aldous,” she said carefully, “I’m afraid I have misled you. I am…how do you say? Taken? And euh, happily so. I love her very much and while I…admire all that you have done, I do not wish to jepordize her for you.” She tugged at the hem of her sleeve, glancing to the side before forcing herself to look at him again. “I would still love to learn from you, but if, euh…if this is a problem then I will look elsewhere for a link into the scientific world, oui?”

“Of course!” he said brightly. “If I had known there was a line to be crossed I wouldn’t have even gone near it, Delphine. I apologize if I ever made you uncomfortable—“

“Non, you have not. I just…I wanted to be clear. I have tickets to go see her after exams are over. And I want to go without regretting anything. Tu comprends?”

He nodded. “It’s no problem at all,” he said with a dismissive wave as he walked past. “Will I see you in lecture tomorrow?”

Delphine gave a half smile. “Oui. Oui, bien sur.”

“Good. Don’t be late, Ms. Cormier,” he said with a less than stern point in her direction before he disappeared around the corner.

Relief flooded her as she watched him walk away; of all the scenarios she had pictured happening, that might have been the best outcome possible. Minus not getting the chance to tell Cosima she was flying back, but…he took it well. She sighed, running her hand once over her face before going immediately for the phone on the ground. She picked it up only to find the screen shattered in a neat web, still brightly lit behind the cracks.

On the other side of the ended Skype call sat a Cosima filled with confused warmth in her chest, processing the entirety of the conversation she hadn’t meant to overhear. Delphine was coming. And Delphine wasn’t lying.

Delphine  _cared_.

She tended to do rash things when she was high, either naturally or drug enduced, and she wasn’t about to break that streak now.

She dialed a number she had saved in her phone almost a month ago, waiting for just the right time. It only rang a few times. “Hello?” she asked, biting at her nail. “Yeah hey, Angie recommended you guys a while back to me. Said you do killer art. I mean it’s been a year and she’s  _still_  gushing over that tat.” She paused, nodding a little. “Yeah I uhh, I was wondering how much you knew about the golden ratio?”

Delphine hastily threw her hair back into a loose bun, grabbing her goggles only to be met by that girl exiting the lab, hands in her pockets. “Oh hey!” she said with a smile. “I, uhh, I just kinda ended up finishing the lab for you. Hope that’s alright.”

“That, uhh, wow,” Delphine stumbled out. “Thank you. That was…very sweet of you.”

The girl shrugged, running her fingers through a mess of curls. “No problem. Really. I wrote all the data points in your lab book. If anything’s unclear you can totally call me. I put my number next to everything. If that’s alright and, uhh not creepy?”

Licking her lips, Delphine rubbed the back of her neck. “I really hate to say I do not even know your name.”

She laughed. “Don’t feel too bad. I don’t know yours either. But, yeah I’m Danielle. It’s…nice to meet you. again…ish?”

“Yes. Uhh, Delphine,” the blonde said, extending her hand. “I…hope to see you around?”

Danielle took her hand and smiled. “Yeah, of course. Sounds perfect. See ya ‘round not-French-speaking French girl.”

She pushed Delphine’s shoulder teasingly as she passed.


End file.
